Psalm 63:2

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and glory - Psalm 63:2.

Mike knew his job was coming to an end on Nov. 10 but it wasn't official.  Rather than worry me (when it wasn't a "done deal" yet) Mike got up on the morning of Nov. 11, knowing he wouldn't be reporting to work, he made the decision to go to church.  I've since asked Mike why he choose church?  After all, many men would have picked a bar or a gambling boat or who knows what else.  Mike tells me he figured he had nothing to lose, he wanted to see if there was something to the  whole God thing.  Before I start writing this blog I must warn you that this will be my hardest blog to write, not because it's hard for me to talk about, just the opposite.  It's hard for me to put into words what happened to Mike and in fact when I tell people this part of our story, sadly, I leave certain parts out and trust me, this is the best part of the story.  I don't intentionally leave details out, I just can't even begin to do justice to the story and there are still parts of the story that I don't even know about.  I imagine there will always be parts of that day that will forever remain between Mike and God. 
There are a few things you have to understand about Mike.  He didn't go to college which has nothing to do with anything except to understand his work ethic.  He graduated from high school and went right to work and literally worked himself to the bone. No matter what an employer asked him, he did it and would usually do more than what was asked.  When his prior employer asked him to be in Chicago at 6 a.m., no problem, Mike got up at 2 a.m. and started his work day.  When Mike was asked to work overtime on Saturdays and Sundays for 10 hours, no problem, he worked 14 hours.  When our boys were 2 & 6 he left us for 3 weeks to work Hurricane Ike in TX.  He worked 20 hours days.  Getting four hours of sleep or less was nothing for Mike.  He was the only person in his entire department that could run his job himself.  Every other person in the country had to have help.  He was the only person in his department who earned the highest rankings in his performance review.  The point is, nothing was ever too much.  I tell you this so you have a better understanding of the worker Mike was (and is) and how devastating this job loss was to him.  He has recently told me that in the months leading up to his job loss he knew he should slow down and he had every intention of doing so.  When Mike lost his job he had accumulated 85 days of vacation.  Yes, 85 days!  Every year he would maybe take 5 to 7 days off, that's it & that's only because I forced him to.  For Mike, it was all work and no play. 
On Nov. 11 he got up, dressed and left the house.  He got to church about the time that the sun was coming up.  Mike desperately wanted to see a sunrise (since he hadn't seen one in years.  He was always working by sunrise).  On this particular day it was cloudy and overcast.  Mike said all the sudden the clouds separated and right in the middle the sun beamed down into Mike's car.  The suns direct light wasn't meant for anyone but Mike that morning.  Mike went into the church about 9 a.m.  We go to a big, big church.  Our church has a mega auditorium and in September they created a quant sanctuary.  Mike had never been in the sanctuary.  When he entered the church he was greeted by church workers, asking Mike if he needed anything.  Mike said simply he just needed time.  The employees told him he could find a bench anywhere in the church but the auditorium and sanctuary were locked up.  As Mike searched the church for a quiet place where he could sit by himself he was drawn to a set of doors which were wide open.  The lights were on and he realized the sanctuary was open and God had prepared a place for him.  Mike has shared his story with a church worker and this gentleman has told Mike there is no explanation as to why those doors where unlocked, in fact, he says those doors are always locked during the week days.  Mike sat in the sanctuary and I understand a few things about those hours he spent there.  The presence of God was real to him.  During that time he was hunched over, when he got up five hours later, he had no pain.  Mike describes asking questions of himself and after awhile he stopped asking the questions and realized questions were still coming at him but he wasn't the one asking them.  He repeatedly asked God for time.  Time was a common request throughout the day.  Mike has never been given the gift of time.  He didn't beg for his job or a job but asked God for a light at the end of what would be a long and difficult road for his family.  When the day was over he went home but he wasn't remotely the same person he had been before he entered that sanctuary.  Mike says what should have been the worst day of his life was the best day of his life.  God filled Mike with peace and strength.  Mike drove home that afternoon to tell me what he thought was the worst news ever.  He tells people that when he told me my reaction was such that it was like someone had already gotten there and prepared me for the news that Mike would deliver.  But that someone was God.  He had given me the strength I needed to absorb the news.  And so on Nov. 11 began the journey.

My bold prayer

In the summer of 2014 my family went with the Ausili's to our favorite vacation spot, TN!  Our boys, Jay and Curt, had made the decision to be baptized in the river that summer.  If my memory serves me correctly I believe Mike Ausili was going to baptize the boys which clearly would have been appropriate since Mike is a believer but to throw a wrench in things, before we left Jay said he wanted his dad to baptize him.  His dad happily but quietly accepted his son's proposal.  In my heart I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do and neither were Mike and Jenny.  The beauty of having long term friends like Mike and Jenny is I could sense what they were feeling and thinking without them saying a word.  It wasn't that any of us were being judgemental or critical, it just didn't feel quite right.  And friends, I'm here to tell you that if something doesn't feel quite right, that is the Holy Spirit talking to you - Don't ignore it.  How could Mike baptize his own son when he wasn't sure of his own heart, when it came to Jesus? 
We went to TN and the baptisms never happened.  All I can say is God had a better plan, although, at the time I couldn't begin to imagine what that plan would be.  I came home from TN feeling defeated.  I thought Mike was on a journey, that he was interested in learning more about the Christian faith.  I wouldn't say I thought he was "all in" but he was going to church with us more regularly.  One afternoon I sat down with Mike and I suppose you could say I had a "coming to Jesus" discussion with him but that discussion was more of a wake up call for me than it was for him.  Mike was honest with me, as he's always been.  When I asked him if he accepted Jesus as his Lord & Savior, his response was, "I hope."  And even though he was going to church with us on occasion he said he really only went because as he aged, he figured, why not?  In that moment I felt all the hope I had for Mike drain out of me.  I was exhausted.  Mike surrounded himself with believers, his morals emulated the Christian faith and he was married to a devoted and faithful wife.  There was nothing more I could do, nothing!  But when everything around you feels hopeless, God gives us the wonderful gift of prayer.  All I had left to do was pray.  So, in the summer of 2014 I started praying a very specific but direct prayer for Mike.  It was simple, really, almost elementary like.  I prayed that God would intervene on Mike's behalf.  I had no idea what that would look like but I knew it would be bad and I promised God I would trust Him.  One of the many things I've learned on this journey is I have my own ideas and God has His.  My ideas are always way off in left field and so far off.  I'm totally comfortable in telling anyone that in reality, I know nothing!  I thought that by praying this prayer that Mike or I would get sick and that would suddenly change Mike's heart.  But God had other plans and they were way better and bigger. 

My Front Row Seat

For the past 15 weeks I have been given a front row seat to the greatest transformation I have ever witnessed - ever!  I am overwhelmed knowing God blessed me, my family and our friends in giving  us a front row seat to His immeasurable love.  Friends, if any of you are reading my blog today and doubt the power of God, then grab a cup of coffee and keep reading. 
I knew I would use my blog to tell our story, I just wasn't quite sure how I'd start it.  I'm still not!  But my dear friend, Mary, told me that my first blog post about our story should be entitled, "My front row seat."  So, here it goes. After working for a good, solid company for 16 years, fifteen weeks ago Mike lost his job.  It came out of nowhere and it was devastating.  One of the many things I've learned through this process is to never say never.  The bottom line is none of us have a crystal ball and my "that will never happen" happened.  But when my "never" hit, I clung tightly to my faith. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was in junior high.  Some people have great stories as to how Jesus came into their lives but for me He's just always been there.  Sure there were seasons when I didn't pay much attention to what He was telling me or where He was leading me.  There were too many times through the years that I did things my own way but He's always been pivotal in my life, even more so as I became a wife and mother.  However, my husband was not on the same Jesus playing field.  I knew this and accepted this about him when I married him 17 years ago.  Truthfully, I'm ashamed to admit it, his lack of faith didn't matter much to me.  I've been happily married and Mike and I are truly each other's best friends but as the years went by I was bothered by the fact that he rarely went to church with us.  He was in full support of his boys going to church, he just didn't want to take much of a part in it and I realized as the boys got older, I was getting nowhere without a father who would lead them spiritually.  So this isn't really a story about job loss.  The job loss is a small part of the story that had to happen in order to break my husband - in a million pieces.  I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Spurgeon, "Whenever God means to make a man great, He always breaks him in pieces first."  So stay tuned my friends, I promise I'll start blogging more and tell the rest of the story. 

Valentine's day & Luke's Birthday

 We went over to friends house about a week ago, right before Valentine's Day.  As you can see I got some crazy pictures of the kiddos. 

                                        This is my favorite.  N. was Jay's valentine this year! 

 I got Luke this silly glasses and mustache gift.  I knew he would love them because the boy is just silly!  Jay and Lauren decided to have some fun with them also.

February has been a challenging month.  Family friends of ours faced an enormous challenge with their newborn daughter.  My mom has a rather steep mountain to climb with an issue in her life and Mike and I are plugging along.  We have challenges, risks and decisions to make but through it all, God reminds me daily that He is good, He is in charge and to trust in Him. 

Your gut

No, this blog is not about my expanding waist line and it's not about anything gross.  What it is about is listening to that little voice inside you.  I have many faults but overall when my gut tells me something, it's usually right.  However, in relationships, I tend to ignore it and as a result it's ended very badly for me (Fault # 1) and might I add, it's been catastrophic more than once.  I'm 41 and I'm bound and determined not to ignore my gut feelings when it comes to people I choose to spend my time with.  If I had a teenage daughter I would tell her that in her life the truest, most sincere and beautiful relationships come from relationships with girlfriends.  I have been blessed immeasurably with women in my life who bring me up when I'm down, know my strengths (they know I make a killer cosmo) and weaknesses (they would never ask me to help them with their taxes) and love me just because I'm me.  My friends are a class act!  There isn't enough room on my blog to write about the classy things my friends have done for me, especially in the season of my life I'm currently in.  Since I've had some relationships with so-called friends end badly more than once I go back to how I felt when I first met them and I come to the same conclusion.  My gut screamed at me, this doesn't feel right!  Time would pass and there were things and times I'd enjoy with them but I would tell my kids that if anyone takes an underhanded jab at you, they aren't your friend.  And there is a difference between my girlfriends and I having a laugh together over the fact that when I sign my name to their cards I always screw up what I'm writing and have to cross out a word or two and start over again.  It's my trade mark and they love that about me.  But again, your gut will tell you when the jab is mean spirited.  And those kind of jabs aren't kind, they aren't funny and you just need to walk away.  There doesn't need to be any hate involved, just walk away and be done.  But yet, I've gone back for more, thinking and hoping that the cruelty was a fluke and ignoring my gut telling me it wasn't.  My mom has a famous line and I love it.  When a person shows you who they are, believe them.  My mom also said I usually had to learn things the hard way and boy have I ever.  I'm too old not to listen to my gut especially since it's been right 95% of the time.  It's time I pay attention and act on my gut feelings.  I have high hopes for my 40's!

The deliquent blogger

 I love my blog but lately I have not had the time to devote to it which makes me sad.  Like all moms, some days I look at the clock and can't believe it's 5:00!!  I mean seriously, where did the day go?  The good news is Jay's basketball season has ended (which is good, bad and sad).  Nick, however, is still playing (hence the picture above).  Around this time of year things start to slow down for us which is a good thing but February can be kind of long and down right dreary. 

 This past Saturday night we went to Kim's for dinner.  We were so thankful to have something to do and hang out with our family. 

At one point during the evening Lauren would appear in a different costume.  She kept us entertained by showing off her costumes.  Literally, I think she modeled about 10 costumes! 

8th grade night

 Jay's final home game in middle school was just this past week and what a fun night it was.  The 8th graders were honored.  It was a bittersweet night.  Mike and I have so enjoyed watching Jay this season.  Although his team lost ( A LOT), it was a joy to watch Jay play the game he loves playing.  Jay is a good example of persevering.  He started playing ball in 4th grade.  It took him time to develop and really learn the game.  By 5th grade he was playing better and understood the game but he wasn't quite there.  He was and is fast which has always helped him.  His coach from 4th grade came to one of the 8th grade games and told us that he never would have imagined Jay would be the ball player he is now when he saw him playing in 4th grade. 

 For the first time ever, Jay started in every game this season.  What an honor.  He was also team captain.  Okay, I'm bragging a bit but it's my blog (ha) and I don't put this on Facebook.  LOL. 

Love this picture.  Thank you to my friend, CJ, for taking all these pictures.  I know when I reflect on Jay's 8th grade year, it will be with smiles.  Our family has faced a monumental challenge which started in Nov. 2015 and is on-going but Jay is facing this challenge with maturity, kindness and character.  I am so proud of him and although our situation continues to be challenging and yes, frustrating, I know God is at work and I wouldn't change what has happened.  It's glued us together as a family and right before this happened I wondered if Jay was ever going to "get it."  Guess what, he gets it.  Every concern I've had about Jay has diminished.  I know I still have many more years of parenting ahead of me with Jay (and Nick) but God has SO opened my eyes and I no longer have fear or even concern when it comes to Jay.  God is working in him and I'm just here to assist.  I'm just proud God choose me to be his mom.