What I love to do

 As painful as this might be I feel it is necessary.  I'm reading a book entitled, "Life Makeover."  It's not that I feel I need to make over my life.  In fact, I've made a lot of positive changes this year.  I've lost 25 lbs.  I'm doing some form of exercise every day, and I am confident I've made permanent changes to my wellness.  I truly do understand this is my body and it's my job to take care of it.  In order to do that I must feed it well and move.  Thank goodness I've made these changes because on the flip side I am right on the cusp of being an empty nester.  Even though my boys still live with me, they rarely need me and within two weeks Nick will be driving.   I am constantly feeling a shift within myself, to redefine who I am and what it is I want to do with myself as I approach empty nest phase.  My mom has said so many times her favorite age(s) was her 50's.  It is my hope I love them too.  It feels unnatural, however, to focus on myself after years of my boys being my primary focus.  I also believe that things feel odd right now because we are just coming out of a two-year pandemic.  A pandemic that changed everyone in some way, shape or form.  Mentally the pandemic made me lazy.  I quit going to book club.  I quit reading in general.  It's easier and mindless to surf Facebook and Tik Tok.  Sure, I've kept up with my blog and I'm part of a writing group that meets four times per year but it's the only exposure I've had to writing and I love to write.  I was once an extrovert.  No longer.  These days I'm a full-blown introvert.  Since I work from home and my job changed two years ago which no longer requires me to visit my clients has only exacerbated my introversion.  And again, Covid aggravated the situation.  People have been in their homes not wanting to go out for two years.  I find my days and my evenings can get long without much direction or focus.  In no particular order, these are the things and the people I love.   

*I adore my small circle of girlfriends.  I love spending time with them.  It requires no effort for me to get myself mentally ready to see them.  

*I enjoy spending time with Mike.  I am so thankful that we are not having any trouble redefining ourselves as the couple we once were.  

*I am enjoying travel more and more.  That being said I am ALWAYS ready to come home.  

*I love giving gifts.

*I love cocktails.  Just saying. 

*I love Jesus.  I love when the weather changes and I can get out and take walks.  It's my time with Him in prayer and I love it. 

*I love manicures, pedicures and everything in between.  

*I love Mike's cooking.

*I love my boys.  

*I love good weather.  

*I love hosting dinners in my home - gathering people together for good food and conversation.  This is probably what has been most difficult for me since the Ausili's left.  

The weekend

On April 7 Sieb flew to TX to spend the weekend with Mike and Jenny.  I stayed here and basically monitored the comings and goings of Nick.  Again, it's Nick's world, I just live in it.  He doesn't even have his driver's license and yet I rarely see him.  Fishing season has begun and this year he's part of a fishing team.  This weekend he got up at 3:30am to meet his team to fish in a tourney up north.  He never seems to catch much but he doesn't care.  Nick has such energy when it comes to fishing.  Honestly, he has an abundance of energy for just about anything.  See above picture.  After spending his entire weekend fishing, he headed to Chase's house on Sunday afternoon to help them repair a leaking spicket.  I got the above picture from Chase's mom with a caption that read...."This is the mark of true friendship!"  I laughed out loud because it's so true.  Chase is holding Nick's legs while he's headfirst into a hole helping Chase's family repair a spicket.  Again, it's Nick's world, I just live in it.  

Since Mike was gone, I had my girls over to celebrate Sarah's birthday.  I invited her MIL, Anita also.  Anita and Sarah have a special bond and I truly admire their relationship.  We say if we all could have a MIL like Anita and DIL like Sarah!  

I even got my sister to spend the night with me on Saturday.  Here we are before bed with match jams, our sleep masks and Kim's dumb bear.  It was a great weekend.  
 

Heavy heart

 I am forcing myself to write tonight because I believe it's important.  My heart is heavy and at the same time I'm so sickened over the current state of our country, of our world and how people treat each other.  When I blogged about our vacation yesterday, I meant every word of that blog.  It was a great vacation and God truly blessed our time together.  During that week, however, I was riddled with deep anxiety.  When I was sharing this with my friend, Mary, she immediately commented that it wasn't like me to have fears or anxiety and she would be right.  All week last week I played out worst case scenarios in my head.  I figured if I thought of anything and everything terrible that could happen, then it wouldn't happen because it's the things you don't see coming that hit you the hardest.  I imagine part of my fears were due to the fact I was responsible for other people's children.  By the end of my trip, I called out to Jesus in the wee morning hours and screaming silently at Satan to get out of my head.  I knew I was not trusting God.  I continued to pray that things would go my way (whatever that means) but I had no confidence in my abilities or more importantly God's abilities.  It's embarrassing but it's also real.  I think another explanation for my fearful behavior is the fact that these days you can't get on social media, turn on the news or even watch the Oscars without something hateful, evil or unkind being thrown at you.  People swearing at each other, calling each other names, using violence.  Then the war in Ukraine rages on.  Images of people suffering in that land is relentless.  It's absolutely heartbreaking.  I know I have not been reading my bible as often as I should.  Right now it's about the only thing I should be reading.  In a world that is absolutely senseless I am reminded that one day Jesus will wipe every tear from my eye and there will be no more suffering.  

Spring Break 2022

We never go anywhere on Spring Break.  But this year I scored my company's condo in Fort Walton Beach, FL.  Jay opted not to go so we let Nick bring two friends.  Full disclosure as the time got closer, I was wondering what I was thinking when I agreed to this - not because I had any reservations in the friend choice(s) Nick made but I was nervous.  Afterall I was going to be responsible for three teenagers.  For weeks leading up to this vacation I prayed God would bless our vacation, that we would be a blessing to Nick's friends, and they would be a blessing to us.  God delivered!  I loved every second I spent with these three boys.  They were awesome!  Truly, it was wonderful.

The first day we were there the weather was beautiful and the boys didn't wear sunscreen and got burnt.  Big surprise.  They spent the entire day in the ocean. 

My sweet husband.  He is truly a great sport.  With age he has mellowed and is game for about anything I plan.  

Chase turned 16 while we were on vacation.  We had plans to deep sea fish, but the weather didn't cooperate.  The boys did get to fish but not on Chase's birthday.  The boys went to Bass Pro on our 2nd day (Chase's birthday), and we celebrated that evening at our condo.  

This was another day where the weather didn't cooperate.  The boys were resourceful though and took their board down to the water and skim boarded on the shore.    

Finally on our last day the boys fished and loved it.  Everyone caught something and no one got sick.  

I am so glad we got to do this for Nick.  For years we vacationed with the Ausili's and made beautiful memories on those vacations, but I always felt a little guilty because Jay, Curt and Faith were so close.  Nick was usually the odd man out.  Life really does come full circle.  When we took our TN vacations on a huge budget, I could not have imagined that years later we could have been able to do this for Nick.  God is good!  
 

Remembering dad

Dad has been gone for four years.  In honor of our dad every March 15 Kim and I take some time off work and spent it together, laughing and remembering our dad.  This year we toasted with "Old Fashioned" cocktails.  Unlike last year the weather was perfect.  We sat out on Kim's desk and enjoyed the sunshine. 

 As much as I miss dad I was truly filled with joy this year.  I know I will see him again and I know his body is healed and his speech restored.  I am also glad he wasn't here to experience the last two years of Covid.  I know dad is living his best life in his eternal home. 

Our weekend

Nick participated in his first fishing tournament this weekend.  As I write this, I do not know how he did.  The tournament began this morning.  Yesterday Nick and his teammates went out on the lake to practice in anticipation of today's tournament.  Let me tell you it is freezing too.  The tourney is on a lake four hours south from us but it's cold.  Yesterday's high was 20 and today it's maybe 40 degrees and breezy.  Nick is always prepared though.  He packed (and is wearing in this picture) his ice fishing gear.  Look at his smile though.  Fishing brings out the very best in Nick, especially when he's successful.  Despite everything going on in the world right now (more on that later) these small moments bring me such joy.  

And speaking of joy.  This picture says it all.  This is my bible study group and also a picture of my most favorite people (minus Jenny).  Believe it or not this was our Christmas get together.  We were due to meet right before Christmas but then had to cancel because of you guessed.....freaking Covid.  Then we had to keep rescheduling because Kim, Mary and Jenna all got Covid which spilled into January and February.  It was crazy.  I am thankful we were finally able to get together.  My heart is so full every time I gather with these girls.  In fact we were talking last night about how important community is and how Covid has destroyed a lot of peoples sense of community especially the elderly.  With all the heartbreak, destruction, sin and evil in the world it was nice to be together with my girls last night.  Shannon reminded all of us to not take it for granted and through tears we prayed for the people of Ukraine.  We have no idea what is coming next.  So today I look at this picture and remind myself to not take one second for granted - not one second.  Enjoy every moment.  
 

Mom's Birthday

We have spent a good couple of days celebrating Mom's birthday.  The weather on her actual birthday was glorious!  It was 70 and sunny.  After what has been a long winter the warmer weather was wonderful, even though it was a bit of a tease.  It's 40 degrees today with a "wintry" mix expected tonight.  Such is March in central IL.  Mom's dearest friends met us for lunch at mom's favorite restaurant then afterwards I took mom for a pedicure.  It was a lovely day.  

Last night Kim and I hosted mom's family birthday dinner.  Uncle Mike, Amber and Kaylie surprised her.  

  Mom's grands singing her happy birthday.  Even though life hasn't been easy for mom these last two years she rarely complains.  We find humor along the way.  I'm convinced laughter really is the best medicine.  Mom continues to live independently and for that we are so thankful.  Her beloved dog, Walker, is her constant companion.  The relationship mom has with this special dog and I do mean special is a continued source of joy for all of us.