One day at a time

It's been a hard 3 months.  Heck, it's been a hard year.  On Oct. 9 we crossed the 3 month finish line for mom's stroke and Oct. 15 we crossed the 6 month mark of my dad's death.  What a year!  Full discloser, lately I've wondered where God is in all this.  I wonder how and why this has happened to our family, not once but twice.  Why did my mom have this stroke and on top of that why does she have diabetes?  Yes, I know we can go through the medical reasons for the stroke and diabetes, but I'm questioning the spiritual reasons.  Everyday I remind myself God is in control and I know He loves all of us, beyond any of our comprehension, but still I struggle.  This week Kim and I took mom to the stroke doctor.  He went over mom's MRI and CT scans.  He showed us the "good" side of her brain which has a prominent vein for blood to pass through, then he showed us the "bad" side of her brain.  The vein was barely visible.  The damage to her brain was staring us right in the face.  The facts are mom is not a surgical candidate, she is at a very high risk for another stroke, they are hoping to reduce mom's risk for another stroke with medication management.  None of the news was great, but it wasn't terrible either.  Her doctor was amazed that mom lives independently.  He said most people who have the kind of stroke mom did aren't as recovered as she is.  I do remind myself often the woman has had 2 strokes in 3 months time and battles diabetes on top of it.  She's pretty much super woman if you ask me.  It's also a good reminder that God has not forgotten us.  Mom may not be restored to the place where she or us would like her to be, but God has granted her more time on this earth and yes it may look different but it's not any less meaningful.  The bottom line is hope remains and no one has more faith and hope than mom.  She very proudly states that there will not be any more strokes and in 2 years time (mom loves her time lines, something that strokes don't always adhere to but she tries) she'll be as good as new.  I have prayed, boy have I prayed that God can give me the kind of faith my mom has and I've begged Him to honor my mom's confident declaration.   Even if mom only recovers a wee bit more, even if her speech is always a little broken and even if her right arm doesn't get to the point in assisting with daily living, I pray she has no more strokes.

Reunited

 This weekend the boys and I went to TX to visit Mike, Jenny and Curt!  It did my heart well to see them and spend time with them.  It's been such a tough couple of months for all of us.  I'm very proud of all of them.  It has not been easy.  On a positive note the direct flight from Bloomington is affordable and easy!  The boys and I took an early flight on Saturday morning and took an afternoon flight today from Dallas.

                                           Mike and Nick had to talk politics, of course!

 On Sunday we went to a bbq place called Hutchin's.  Sieb, Mike and Jay had gone to this bbq place in July and Sieb could not stop talking about it.  It did not disappoint.

 These two!  This was supposed to be a trip for Nick and I but Jay came along because Curt really needed to see his good buddy, Jay.  It made me so happy to hear the two of them laughing and hanging out together.

Nick enjoyed the pool!  We sure loved our time with the Ausili's.  It's been an adjustment for all of us but I'm so thankful the Lord gave us each other.  Our friendship has been on going for 40 years.  Jenny and I have been friends for 25 years and we raised our kids as siblings.  Our friendship is a rare gift and distance won't change that.  It only makes the time we do spend together more precious.  Until next time!

Jay's Junior year Hoco

 Jay and Amber went to Hoco last night, and since Jay is a man of very little words I didn't get many details, other than he had a good time and enjoyed himself.

 He totally humored me for this selfie.  He loathes selfies, but agreed to just this one.  Thank you, Jay.  It made your mom happy!

 Jay's hoco group.  I always enjoy admiring the girls' dresses and the shoes!

Diabetes, Stroke, Emotional well-being

On Sept. 26 my sister went to my mom's house, as she does every week day morning.  Kim found mom unresponsive in her bed with a blood sugar of 500.  Kim immediately called 911 and so began another few days in the hospital.  That entire day was just bad!  Mom was out of it all day until about 6pm that evening and her speech was terrible. Kim and I know that when mom's blood sugar is high her speech is affected, but as her blood sugar goes down, her speech improves.  This was not the case on Sept. 26.  We were worried and a series of CT scans and a MRI's were done to determine if mom had another stroke.  She did.  She suffered another stroke adjacent to her first stroke, very close to her language center.  The 2nd stroke was much smaller (thank goodness) and did not affect her mobility (another blessing).  As I write this today her speech is much improved, but she's headed back to speech therapy next week.  She was speaking so well that speech discharged mom two weeks ago.  

God is at work here and when these bumps in the road hit, He reminds me time and time again He is in control and we have a tribe of people praying for us and God has listened to those prayers.  For example, all last week was just hard.  Mom had fallen into an abyss of depression.  My mom has never battled depression.  There is no shame in depression, or taking meds to help with depression, but it's very hard for the people on the outside to witness the fall into the abyss and try to pull them ot of it.  In fact, you can't pull them out of it.  Only they can decide.  A few things occurred last week that turned it all around.  My mom's dear friend, Leslie, prayed very hard the night of Sept. 26, that not only would mom be better in the morning but that God would restore her emotional state of well being.  Then Mary's mom, Joyce (who Mary says has a bat phone to God), stayed up all night on Sept. 26 and into the wee morning hours of Sept. 27 and prayed for mom.  When I came into mom's room on Sept. 27 she was sitting up, smiling and talking (broken but we could understand her).  And she laughed.  Have you ever loved someone and witnessed them fall into a depression?  Most people have but what hurt the most was not hearing my mom laugh.  Then on Sept. 27 she laughed, like really laughed and Kim, Leslie and I laughed right along with her.  It was the most beautiful noise I've heard in a long time and I doubt I will ever forget that sound on that day.  Mom confessed to Kim and I just last night that she is praying again!  Since mom's stroke on July 9, she has wanted to read her Guideposts everyday and she has wanted people to pray with her but I didn't sense she was actively engaged in her own intimate prayer life, until her confession last night.  I believe God intervened this week to get our attention.  Something feels different - like this was His way of helping mom accept where she is today and reminding her (and all of us) that He is in control.  

We got mom sensors for her diabetes.  Every minute of every day Kim and I can look on our phones and see what mom's blood sugar is.  We've had this for four days and so far, so good. As we move forward our goal is to keep mom safe, healthy and happy.  Whatever it takes to accomplish those things, we will do.  

By the way, the picture included with this blog is the selfie I took of us the day we got home from the hospital, Sept. 28.  God is good, all the time. 

One year

I haven't written about mom in awhile.  On Oct. 9 mom will cross her three month mark for her stroke/recovery.  How is she?  Here's the good, the bad and yes, the ugly.  The good is she is walking, and walking well.  It's slower than what she would like but she's walking and getting around.  Her speech is excellent.  Sometimes an occasional word will trip her up.  This week it's been the word numb.  Ha!  Her left hand has been numb when she wakes up and for the life of her she can't think of the word numb when she tries to tell me about it.  Sometimes it's a puzzle but after we've listened to mom long enough we are able to piece together what she is telling us.  Her right arm is a source of great frustration to her.  It has movement but very little and she is very concerned she will never get movement back in her fingers.  Moving on to the bad.  The diabetes is just bad.  The pump is annoying, but as I said to mom and Kim this week getting mom the pump was the right thing to do but it certainly was not the easy thing to do.  Mom has mastered the pump in that she can enter her carbs and blood sugar, but Kim and I change her pump every 3 to 4 days and as long as mom has the pump, this is something Kim and I will need to do for her.  We have no problem doing it, but it's another reminder to mom that she has lost some of her independence.  And now the ugly.  The ugly part is mom has felt really defeated lately and she is fixated on a one year time line.  I think it's fair to give herself a year.  She says if she's not fully recovered at the one year mark she is "checking out."  I laughed and asked her, "Mom, I don't even know what that means?"  She rolled her eyes and didn't say anything else until the next time I saw her and she said again she was giving herself one year or else!  Kim and I encourage her a lot.  The fat lady hasn't sung yet!  But I'm also a realist.  I've told her that if this is as good as she gets, that is okay and I know in time it's something she will come to terms with.  It's accepting what has happened that is incredibly challenging for her right now.  The bottom line is this.  God restored her.  It may not be to her satisfaction, but she is living alone in her own home.  She will soon get her drivers license back.  We are slowly understanding and trying to control the diabetes.  She is able to communicate.  She is surrounded by family and friends that love her.  Life is good.

My Whys: why I'm going to do what I do

Ever since my mom had her stroke and the Ausili's left I knew I was entering a new chapter in my life.  A new chapter where I wanted to have a better handle over the decisions I was making, the whys of those decisions.  Many times I do things and I wonder why am I doing it.  Although it is true that with age I can answer this question more often than not, but still, I knew I needed and I wanted to make a list of my whys.  As I thought about this this week I came up with a list and got to apply them this week.  First I was going to start a bible study, it's the same bible study as I did last year.  I really enjoyed it, grew in my faith and it was something I got to do with my mom, but this year it does not fall into my why category.  Stay with me for a bit.  Then last night there was a big high school football game.  With every fiber of my being I did not want to go to that game and my nasty, tiresome issue with guilt crept in just a bit.  Our school district is relatively small.  Everyone who loves our school, and yes, I do love our school, was going to be at that game, cheering on our boys.  But going to a high school football game does not fit into my whys.  So what are my whys?  I'll tell you and please keep in mind as I list these, they are not in order of importance.  They all share in equal importance.
*Making every reasonable attempt to go to church regularly.  This is why the bible study doesn't fit for me right now.  It is more important I keep my focus on getting the boys to church every Sunday.  Why?  Because for the past year I believe our behavior has demonstrated to the boys we don't value going to church, and that is something that is not acceptable to me.
*Getting healthy.  Why?  Because I have factor 5, I'm overweight and I have just witnessed the devastating effects of what diabetes and stroke can do.  If I skip a high school football game because I need to get a walk in, then that is what has to happen.
*Helping my mom and sister.  Why?  Because I love them, they are a priority to me and they need my help.
*Be an engaged mom and wife.  Why?  Because it's ever so clear to me what a blessing my marriage is, and since the Ausili's left, our social life has slowed down significantly.  It's painfully clear that in the years to come, it will literally be Mike and I.  Jay is a junior.  I have 2 years left to be his momma.  My time of influencing him is over (some may disagree with this but trust me, that ship has sailed), but I want to enjoy him, and be a present witness to how he evolves over the next 2 years.  And Nick is going to keep me busy year round in sports.  There may not be coming up for any air where he's concerned.
*Stay an active member in my book club.  Why?  Because it's the book club my mother formed and is a part of and books continue to bring me joy.
*Spend time with friends and family/trips to see the Ausili's.  I have been intentional and purposeful in planning my trips to TX the next year.  Why?  Because I knew this first year with the Ausili's being gone would be very hard for me, and them.  I have given myself permission both with my time and my money to visit them once every 3 -4 mos.  The second part of the why factor with this is that I get my energy from my family and friends.  People congregating in my home brings me joy.
*Work.  Why did I even include work?  Because my work is important.  It sustains this family.  It's a good job for me and to me.
*Work on my book.  Yes, I'm writing a book with my sister.  Why?  Because I've wanted to for a LONG time and now is the time.  Enough with my excuses for putting it off, and enough of the self defeating talk.  If I miss an event, that does not fall into my Why(s) category, it's because I needed to stay home and write.

As I move forward, anything I am asked to do, I will ask myself if they fit into any of my why categories and if they don't, guess what, I'm not doing it.

Nick's love of fishing

Nick loves fishing.  No, seriously, he obsesses over it.  He talked about it incessantly, so much that I'm concerned over his prospects of ever finding a girlfriend who will enjoy listening to his fishing stories as much as Nick loves to tell them.  Here's the thing though.  My boy has a hobby, a good, healthy hobby.  A hobby that brings him joy and it's an added bonus that he's really good at it.  We are still frying fish!  Last night Nick didn't have football practice so what did he do, he went fishing.  I joined him for a bit and there was a couple who stopped and I heard them say, "Hi Nick, what did you catch tonight?"  I had no idea who these people were but they clearly knew Nick and they did live somewhere in our neighborhood.  I struck up a conversation with them and learned they met Nick on the lake, as their house is on the lake and they have a special needs son who often sits in the backyard.  When Nick sees him he stops by on his kayak and strikes up a conversation with him.  Those are the moments that make me smile and make me proud!  When I drove Nick home he was sitting out the back of the hatchback with his pole.  Apparently Nick is like "Norm on Cheers" because more people would wave at Nick and call him by his name as I drove him home!  He's a real regular with the neighbors that live on the lake.   Keep fishing, Nick, keep fishing!  It truly does bring out the best in you.