What a day it's been. I have so much to write about so watch out....there will be a lot of word vomit. I have no doubt that moving mom into assisted living will be a wonderful life move in the long run. Once we sell the house and she settles in, I truly believe all will be well but right now it's hard. My sister left for Alaska on July 5 and won't be home until July 17. I am handling things on my own this week and the struggle is real. I confessed to Mary today (more on why Mary and I were together below) that I feel Kim's absence each day she is not here. I miss our teamwork. Just this week it's occurred to me that taking care of mom and more importantly how Kim and I work as a team in taking care of mom is truly God's calling for my life. I don't mean to be overly dramatic about it but I really do believe He made Kim and I as caregivers for our parents, something that we've been engaged together in doing for over 25 years now. Never has there been a cross word between us. And I know that only God could have orchestered our strengths and weaknesses for what He knew would be a very long road. Where Kim is weak, I am strong. Where I am weak, Kim is strong. Together we are like a well oiled machine. I give all the glory to God. He knew our parents would need us and He equipped Kim and I with the skills and abilities to handle it. That doesn't mean it's been easy. It hasn't been. In fact as I write this I'm utterly exhausted mentally and physically. I'm not sleeping well. My cycle is all screwed up which I'm certain is due to stress and at any given moment I could break in two like a twig. Each and everyday there has been a barrage of "mom" things I need to accomplish. And most days I feel like I really suck at it or I'm too short tempered but I try, oh how I try. That's the beauty of caregiving with Kim. When I'm spent and feel like I suck she takes over. When she has had it and needs a break I take over.
Over the last 24 hours we've had issues (and I use the word issues lightly) with mom's TV/cable at her new apartment. It's too long for this blog and really quite boring. All that's important to know is her TV didn't work and it about sent my mom over the edge. She called me this morning on the brink of tears, her speech completely broken because she was tired and upset. I was frustrated also as I had dealt with the TV issue for hours the day before and quite frankly I was at a loss what to do. Dealing with TV issues is more Kim's department. She's the tech person who "gets" those things better than I. Mom asked me when I was coming over today. I snapped and said,"Mom, I don't know. I'm trying to work." But I knew I had to drop everything and fix the problem. It is rare that mom comes unglued but I could hear in her voice she was on the brink which only added to my stress and anxiety. I got in my car and called Mary. I knew I needed someone who would bring peace and calm to a situation that was quickly headed south. I also knew I needed help in navigating and fixing the problem. Mary didn't hesitate. She went with me to mom's, embraced mom, spoke to her sweetly and in two seconds got mom calmed down. Mom was near tears and explained to Mary and I that if she couldn't have the TV box she was use to having that she would "feel trapped." That the TV box they gave her was for "old people." It was in that moment I knew that although the TV was the source of her stress, it wasn't really all about the TV. She was displaying her feelings of helplessness in what has been a stressful, although necessary, move. Mary comforted mom as only Mary can do and she went with me to the TV store so we could once and for all fix the problem. One of my weaknesses is I do not process verbal information well, especially when I'm stressed and I'm a terrible problem solver. I knew Mary would help me in listening what had to be done and Mary is a wonderful problem solver. We worked with a nice gentleman at the store and we believe as of July 14 the problem will be fixed and mom will have her regular TV and programs that she has been use to having. Mary prayed with me and calmed mom and I. I will be forever grateful for her kindness and her willingness to drop everything for me today because I really needed her. When we told mom we had fixed the problem the old Sue came back to life, grateful in knowing that her former sense of normal would return, as far as her TV is concerned.
After I got home I did what I've been doing since moving mom, I started working on going through another one of her file cabinets and organizing important financial information that can't be thrown away. I came across a checklist mom had made for herself. There was no date on it but I imagine it was from 2014 or 2015. She had made herself a laundry list of things she wanted to do that included: visit Brad, visit Ann & Jack, visit Betty Hanley, clean out a drawer, cupboard or closet everyday (gotta tell ya, I don't think she accomplished this goal, just sayin), cook for and visit mom and dad, volunteer for Kim, run errands for Amy & Kim, clear my own house, evening activities, visit library, read, listen to books while knitting, redo filing system, help out at church, see lawyer for power of attorney and living will. She ends her list with putting on socks without huffing and puffing! Mom has always had a sense of humor and the two of us are so much alike it's almost uncanny. Lately my own to do list is so long I overlooked how hard this move must be on mom. Seeing her to do list from way back when reminded me she was just as busy as I am and just as concerned. She has always thought of others and tried to be the best version of herself. Today it took the friendship of a beautiful friend and finding a to do list to remind me it's all going to be okay.
