Compliments

As I age there are things people have said to me that will always stick with me.  They are words that I simply don't want to forget.  I am writing this blog today to simply remember what was significant to me because for all I know I may have dementia one day and not remember any of this.  Plus, it's good for my boys to know the words and compliments you give others mean something.  The first time I can really remember feeling a real compliment was when I was about 30.  I know I had compliments through high school and college but darn if I can remember any of them (see my dementia comment above).  Anyway, Jay was 2 and a challenge!  Mike was building our house and Jay and I spent two full weeks living with my mom while Mike finished our house.  I was always thankful that my mom understood what raising a strong willed toddler looked like.  One night while we were in the living room mom looked at me and said, "Amy, I just want you to know you are really good with him."  I think those were her exact words.  Here I am 14 years later and I still remember her saying that to me.  It meant a lot to me because I was a relatively new mother, raising a challenging toddler.  So, thanks mom!  The second meaningful time was 7 years ago.  I was about 37.  I had decided I would leave my former employer, which at the time seemed kind of risky but fast forward to now it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.  Anyway, I accepted a job with my current employer.  It was scary.  At the time even my own grandma questioned my "leap of faith," and my former boss, who I have great respect for, said we could "stop the presses at any moment" in the hopes I would stay.  My husband, however, built me a beautiful office that I work in to this day.  One night after I had accepted my new position and plans were in motion he was talking to me about what he wanted my office to look like.  He stopped mid-sentence and looked at me and said, "By the way, I'm really proud of you."  I think I might have peed my pants in that moment.  Mike has said other very meaningful things to me which usually catch me totally off guard and shock the heck out of me - like, seriously I had no idea you felt that way????  Hence why I've kept him around for 20 plus years.  Ha.  And lastly, the words my Aunt Karen spoke to Kim and I as my dad was dying will forever be with me. On March 14, my dad was getting closer to going Home.  When it became clear to Karen that Kim and I were an emotional mess she pulled the two of us out of dad's room and with tears in her eyes she told us to go home and relax.  She reminded Kim and I that we had added so much value and love to our dad's final days.  What a compliment!  All Kim and I wanted to do was add value and love to our dad's final days and Aunt Karen cemented it.  I hope that through the years I've said something that means something to someone, something that sticks with them.  I pray that as my boys age there will come a time when something I say to them or their wives that just sticks and makes them feel how much I love them.

Dad's Memorial Service

 We had a sweet tribute to my dad on March 22.  Kim and I delivered the eulogy.  We got through it with no tears.  The American Legion Post was on sight for military rites, which is always beautiful and moving.  Kim and I couldn't have asked for a better send off for our dad.

 Kim put dad's Cubs hat on the alter. Dad had three Cubs hats (go figure).  Kim, Karen and I have the hats.  It is something I will always treasure of my dad's.  Kim was gracious enough to let me have the flag.  Mike will make a case for it where we will display it in our home.

We were blessed with great weather for dad's service.  After the service, the doors to the church were opened, the trumpets played and rifles were shot.  It was very moving.  Luke was fascinated and checked things out before the service started.  

 Me and my boys.  I was proud of all my boys.  The month of March was really hard for me.  Mike was exceptionally patient and kind.  After the memorial service Jay and Nick got in line and wrapped their mother in a hug and told me I had done a great job with the eulogy.  I was touched.

When Kim and I sat down with the minister to plan dad's service he wondered if we could expect 50 people.  Kim and I weren't sure but we did think more than 50 people would come.  I am not certain how many people did come but it was over 100.  We were humbled over the outpouring of love from our friends and family.  Several people drove from out of town.  I love the picture above (I only wish Sarah and Matt were in it but I was too late in taking the picture).  Mary and John traveled from up north and Mike and Jenny stayed until the bitter end.  Karen and Kerry's friend, Ray (who went to Myrtle with us) traveled from McHenry, IL (3.5 hours one way).  Many people commented on how composed Kim and I were.  My sister and I shed MANY tears during the last two weeks of our dad's life.  Our dad had also been disabled for 22 years.  People were praying for peace and comfort for us and truly I felt every one of those prayers.  After dad passed I was filled with such peace and comfort in knowing he was no longer suffering, but instead safe in the arms of Jesus.  I look forward to the day when I will be reunited with my dad and I will see his broken body and voice restored.  Until that day happens I will remember him fondly.  I will hear his laughter through Kim and his grandchildren.  I will hug my Aunt Karen tighter every time I see her, and I will appreciate my daily blessings!

God Winks

In my blog post, "I See God," I briefly wrote about the stranger who told me the best was yet to come.  I didn't go into detail about that encounter.  The story is significant enough to me that I feel it's important to document it in my blog, although I'm certain I will never forget it.  On March 9 I was signed up to take an insurance exam.  I was in no condition to concentrate on taking an exam, let alone an insurance exam, but I had no choice.  The exam had to be taken by March 15 and if I cancelled the exam it would have cost me hundreds of dollars.  I took the test and somehow passed.  As I went to check out, an employee, a woman was there to print off my exam grade.  I was in the exam office and it was just her and I.  Because I had passed my exam she complimented me and told me it was a great way to start my day.  I said I was glad I passed but that I was headed to a meeting with a hospice nurse to discuss hospice plans for my dad.  The worker smiled warmly and commented  how hospice workers are such special people.  She also said she only worked at the exam center one day a month (the day I just happened to be taking the exam I could not cancel) and that she was in the ministry.  There was a brief silence between the two of us and she said, "You tell your dad the best is yet to come."  Huh?  Then over the course of what was probably 5 minutes, no more, she said she had died when she was 55 and experienced heaven.  She said it was indescribable and  amazing.  She said she even had children she didn't even want to come back to.  She said to this day she feels as if she's in a shell and that she doesn't belong here.  She reiterated again to me that there was nothing like it.  I sat listening to her in awe.  She told her story with such simplicity and calmness, but very matter of fact.   With tears in my eyes I walked out of that exam center knowing my dad would be okay. March 9 was also the day my sister and I had to tell my dad he was dying.  I was able to tell him exactly what this stranger had shared with me, and I believe it provided him with some comfort.

After someone you loves dies, you are left with some uncertainty, did they make it to heaven?  Is it all they dreamed it would be?  I remember my mom experienced this after my grandparents died, and there should have been no doubt my grandparents were with God, but yet......we are human.  One day, not long after my grandma passed, my mom was in her living room reflecting on the loss of her parents when she saw two colorful balls of light.  My mom said the colors displayed by the two balls were radiant, breath taking and beautiful, like nothing she had ever seen before.  My mom was certain it was a gift from God.  It was her parents saying, "We made it, Susan, we're here."  

I knew my dad was a believer before he died.  I had witnessed him in church growing up and when I asked him if he loved Jesus days before his death he shook his head Yes.  After dad passed, Kim and I were trying to catch our breath and the reassurance that dad was peaceful in his eternal home was not something we were seeking at the moment, although I'm sure in the weeks to follow we would have been seeking out that reassurance.  About two days after dad passed, Kim's good friend, Katie, called her.  Katie is a sweet friend.  She gave dad his last beard trim before he passed and Katie had also experienced deep loss in the passing of her grandpa months earlier.  Katie shared with Kim that she had dreamed about her grandpa the night before.  She said she never remembered her dreams, ever, but this dream was vivid, so vivid that Katie could remember it perfectly, even several hours after waking up.  In her dream her grandpa came to her and said, "Tell her he's here."  I love how God uses his messengers here on earth.  I thanked Katie for sharing with us such a tender and sweet message.  She said not only was it wonderful for her to share that with us but it also comforted her because it confirmed her grandpa had also made it to his eternal home.  Once again I'm in awe of how God works and the many God winks he's given my sister and I during this journey.

Dad's legacy

This morning at 2:10 a.m. my dad went home to be with our Lord.  Kim and I were blessed to be at his bedside when he took his final breath.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but God was once again at work.  As I reflect on the last two weeks I experienced a range of emotions.  I couldn't understand why God would do this to my dad after everything he went through and there is still a part of me that won't understand this side of heaven.  However, I see the gifts He placed on our journey.  My sister and I had the honor of spending my dad's final days with him, just the three of us.  We adore our Aunt Karen - like seriously adore her, but for some reason God chose March 5 for the day that dad would get sick.  It was also the day that Aunt Karen committed to watching her granddaughter full time.  Due to that, my sister and I handled dad's care and spent countless hours with him, just the three of us.  In some ways, it was like old times.  We laughed together and Kim and I made it our goal to make it as light as possible for our dad in his final days.  My relationship with Kim was strengthened.  One of the best compliments I received was from my Aunt Karen who said  (while my dad only had 12 more hours to live) that Kim and I had provided my dad with such love and value during his final days.  My dad also leaves me with a sense of courage and perseverance.  Additionally, I have such admiration for hospice workers and nursing home staff.  People at the end of their life have just as much value as anyone else, and deserve love, kindness and dignity. Last night at 12:17 a.m. my Aunt called me and said the nurse on duty, Mike, called her and said my dad only had hours to live.  God bless, Mike.  Had he not called, we would not have had the opportunity to be with dad during his final hour.  Kim and I drove to dad with knots in our stomach, as we knew that what we would be walking into would not be pretty, and it wasn't, but it was also the most moving, God-filled, moment of my life.  God made sure Kim and I made it in time.  Our dad needed his daughters to send him off into heaven.  During my drive I prayed for strength.  God granted my request.  Kim and  I sat over dad, whispered we loved him relentlessly, told him it was okay to go home, recited the Lord's prayer and finally, we told him we told him we knew he loved us and I told him that I would continue to see him in Kim's sense of humor, Jay's handsome good looks, Nick's work ethic, Luke's silly faces, and Lauren's affectionate nature.  It was at that time dad drew his last breath and went to his eternal home.  Thanks be to God and his gift of salvation through Jesus Christ!  It's because of that gift the gates are open to us.  One day I know dad will be waiting for me at the gates with a healthy body, a voice I can understand clearly, with arms outstretched as he says, "Welcome daughter, I have been waiting for you."

I see God

It's funny how life can change in an instant.  I always say it's the things you don't see coming that hit you the hardest.  I think back to what my day looked like last Sunday and the boys, Mike and I were tearing up our carpet, jamming to music with the windows open and eating burgers for lunch.  Even though we were doing physical labor, it was a good day.  Then at 2:38 a.m. on Monday morning, it all changed with a phone call.  My dad was being rushed to the ER.  He was admitted and by Wednesday my sister, aunt and I heard the news we never saw coming.  My dad has a large, aggressive, malignant and inoperable tumor at the base of his tongue.  After everything my dad has been through I was not and am not prepared to see him go out like this, but then death is never fun.  The past few days all I've had to hang my hat on God's promises to us.  My dad is a believer.  My sister and I have held firmly onto Romans 8:18 (the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming).  I know my dad will soon be in the presence of his Heavenly Father.  Today I caught him looking at the framed picture of his parents in his room.  I think he knows he will soon be with them. Over the past few days I have seen God at work and I know he has not forgotten my dad and that he loves us all.  It started on Friday morning with the stranger who told me to tell my dad "the best is yet to come."  Then the ENT doctor who called my aunt personally to tell her as a family we were making the right decision in terms of proceeding with hospice.  This was the affirmation we needed.  Every family member questions whether there was more they could do or if there was something different they could have tried.  The ENT doctor put any doubts we had to rest.  We saw God in the tears of the nursing home director who cried and assured us that it would be an honor to service our dad in his final days.  My dad has been a resident for 8 years and he is loved by the staff and they are now in the process of saying their goodbyes to my dad.  I saw God on Friday when He gave me, my sister and my dad the gift of time.  The three of us spent the entire day together in dad's hospital room.  My dad was awake most of the day and although many times I could see fear in his eyes, there were other times we saw our dad from our childhood in his expressions and his laughter.  It was truly a gift for all three of us.  We made him laugh and he made us laugh. Kim saw God through his nurse on his first night back at the nursing home.  Her name was Brandi and she cried with Kim and assured Kim that dad had been her patient for 8 years, she would take extra good care of him.  As I write this my dad is dying.  It is horrific to watch, but I am thankful for hospice and my dad seems to be in very little pain.  I continue to pray for peace and comfort for him until his Heavenly Father calls him home.

Psalm 34: 18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

Every so often my kids can really blow it out of the park with ah-ha moments.  Since we found out the Ausili's are moving I have used the words broken hearted many times.  I question what our life is supposed to look like without them since they will be living 12 hours away from us.  I imagine Mike and I looking at each other in July and asking, "Well, what now?"  Ha!  Last night Nick told me he stumbled across a bible verse that he found comforting since we are a bit broken hearted these days.  It was Psalm 34:18.  He read it out loud to me and I was instantly reminded of God's love for all of us.  This bible verse reassures me that God knows of our crushed spirit and He is close to us in our sadness.  I am fully confident our families will continue to thrive and our times together will be that much more precious.  It was a good reminder of His faithfulness and how he once again uses the most unlikely - Nick - to get His message across.  I love how God works!