The disconnect

I have always been honest in my blog, but this may reveal a little more honesty than what I'm use to because it demonstrates flaws, brokenness in me as a mother and some cracks in my family.  That being said I believe that any parent who is specifically parenting pre-teens or teenagers can relate to what I'm going to write about.  The past few years have been stressful.  2018 was the hardest year of my adult life.  Over the past six to eight months I've noticed my family retreating to different areas of the house.  Most evenings when we are not running around like chickens with our heads cut off you can find Mike in the living room watching T.V.  Jay retreats to his room to watch Netflix.  Nick goes to his room to watch youtube videos.  It's not that I think this is terrible, but as with most things, it requires balance, and I believe our balance with this has been out of sync.  I believe all four of us require and appreciate down time, alone.  In order to cope with the stress I was under this year, most nights you could find me in bed at 8:00 binge watching Netflix.  I can't remember the last time I read a great book.  All four of us are guilty of having our attention devoted to our electronic devices.  I can't tell you how many times a day I check facebook.  We got a basketball hoop two months ago.  Nick often asks me to shoot hoops with him.  I usually find an excuse not to.  It's been too cold (which is actually true, Nick is like an eskimo), I am too tired, blah, blah, blah.  The truth is I've been exhausted by life to put forth much effort into connecting with my kids.  I know we are doing fine as a family but is fine really good enough?  I think not.  I'm afraid much of our conversations have become mundane and watered down in content.  As a family we continue to have once a week family dinners together.  I tell my boys I love them everyday and I ask them how their days are.  I monitor their grades on line.  Isn't that what a good parent does?  Our home is a happy one.  We share many laughs together.  I'm confident Mike, Jay and Nick would all agree with everything I just wrote.  However, I know we can be better and do better, especially me.  As the mother of 2 boys I take a lot of abuse.  My family gets a lot of laughs at my expense.  I am good humored about this, mostly, but this past year it was easier to accept that abuse at face value and retreat farther away from my family, making myself believe that when I'm not spending time with them, that's just the way they like it, and I don't have to listen to them complain about my cooking, my driving, asking too many questions, etc....
My eyes were opened because of a wonderful friend and conversation with my husband.  All of the sudden I realized my family unit is completely disconnected from one another.  When I go back in my memory to the last time I felt truly connected to my family it was the summer of 2015 (before all hell broke lose).  We went to a Christian camp together - a camp that we share laughs about now, but a camp that no one in my family would deny how connected we were that week.  What a pitiful realization, that it's been 3 1/2 years since I was truly connected to my family.  However, during the challenges I've faced over the years I've learned guilt has no place in my heart.  As a human and as a parent all you can do is recognize the problem, dust yourself off, give yourself some grace and move forward in a way that is better than before.

I realized the person I feel most disconnected to in my family is Jay.  He will be 17 next week.  He's in our home for another 18 months, and after that, it's fair game.  I can feel time slipping through my fingers, in a race to get things right with him.  With all the stress this year, it has been easy for me to take a back seat with Jay.  He recoils when I touch him and he grunts when I talk to him.  I have been too tired to dig deeper with him.  I'm confident there is more there with Jay, but it requires a connection with him.  I've committed to spending time with Jay once a month under a no phone zone policy.  When I proposed this to Jay, he was miffed.  I was taking time out of his schedule, time that he didn't have (or so he thought).  Yes, I used force.  I told him he had no choice in the matter.  His only choice was whether we went out for ice cream or dinner.  He opted for ice cream, probably less painful in his mind but it turned out to be a nice start, an opening we needed to make this commitment work.  We left our phones in the car and had to talk to each other without checking our phones every 5 minutes and glory be, who knew, we conversated, and dare I say it was enjoyable for both of us, and since that day I have witnessed Jay ever so slowly warming.  I asked Jay things he wished I would change.  His answer was simple, I try too hard.  I figured there were worse things he could have pointed out.  My goal is simple.  I want to connect with Jay.  I want him to know that he is my priority, even though I have not done a great job of demonstrating that this year.  It's funny how what is easy can become habitual, clouding priorities that were once so important.

As for Nick I intend on shooting hoops with him and playing ping pong with him as often as possible.  While it's true the weather needs to warm up a bit for this momma to be out shooting hoops, I'll think twice the next time I'm faced with an option of watching Netflix over a good match of ping pong.