Heavy heart

 I am forcing myself to write tonight because I believe it's important.  My heart is heavy and at the same time I'm so sickened over the current state of our country, of our world and how people treat each other.  When I blogged about our vacation yesterday, I meant every word of that blog.  It was a great vacation and God truly blessed our time together.  During that week, however, I was riddled with deep anxiety.  When I was sharing this with my friend, Mary, she immediately commented that it wasn't like me to have fears or anxiety and she would be right.  All week last week I played out worst case scenarios in my head.  I figured if I thought of anything and everything terrible that could happen, then it wouldn't happen because it's the things you don't see coming that hit you the hardest.  I imagine part of my fears were due to the fact I was responsible for other people's children.  By the end of my trip, I called out to Jesus in the wee morning hours and screaming silently at Satan to get out of my head.  I knew I was not trusting God.  I continued to pray that things would go my way (whatever that means) but I had no confidence in my abilities or more importantly God's abilities.  It's embarrassing but it's also real.  I think another explanation for my fearful behavior is the fact that these days you can't get on social media, turn on the news or even watch the Oscars without something hateful, evil or unkind being thrown at you.  People swearing at each other, calling each other names, using violence.  Then the war in Ukraine rages on.  Images of people suffering in that land is relentless.  It's absolutely heartbreaking.  I know I have not been reading my bible as often as I should.  Right now it's about the only thing I should be reading.  In a world that is absolutely senseless I am reminded that one day Jesus will wipe every tear from my eye and there will be no more suffering.