Lasts

Just when I think I'm doing well in the "new normal" all of us are adjusting to I run across something that triggers me and the flood gates open.  Last night I stumbled across author, Karen Kingsbury, reading her children's book, "Let Me Hold You Longer."  Through her tears she read the entire book out loud to the young adults of the class of 2020.  Friends, I lost it.  Her book is about how a mom experiences the "lasts" of her child that is growing up.  There were a few lasts with Jay and I had no idea they would be his lasts.  The last time he walked off the football field his freshman year, the last time he walked off the basketball court his junior year and the last day he walked out of high school. Most people know the last day they walk out of high school.  They have celebrated all spring with a senior trip, senior skip day, finals and of course their graduation ceremony.  They take pictures of themselves in their caps and gowns on graduation day, most in bear hugs with their friends.  This is simply not to be for the class of 2020.  Our students had no idea that when they walked out of their high school on March 13 that it would be for the last time.  As my friend, Laura, has said sometimes ignorance really is bliss!
As we navigate the new reality we live in there are so many changes and Jay is trying to decide where he goes from here.  It appears that colleges will continue with on-line learning in the fall.  Jay has expressed concern with that and I agree with him.  For a college freshman with dyslexia to start college on-line is tricky, to put it mildly.  So we wait.  We wait for a Jay to get his full time landscaping job back (fingers crossed).  We wait for our local colleges to make a decision about fall on-line learning so that we can in turn make our own informed decision as to what is best for Jay.  We wait to see if Jay gets accepted into the pipefitters apprenticeship.  I could not have predicted this is where we would be on April 29, 2020 but as is often the case the Lord is patient with me and teaches me oh so many lessons.  My plans are not my own and as I told Mike the other day we've taken Jay about as far as we can take him.  The rest is up to Jay and God.  I rest peacefully and confidently in knowing that.

A road map into 22 years

Today is our 22nd wedding anniversary.  It is rainy, wet and cold in Central Illinois.  The weather today is very similar to our day 22 years ago except right at the time we started pictures (before the ceremony) the sun came out and it was beautiful.  We were so young.  I was 23, Mike was 25.  We could not have predicted all the joy, heartache, challenges and mistakes we would make along the way but isn't it that way for every couple?  In our 22 years we have overcome a devastating job loss, the start up of a new business, the death of a parent, a health crises with me (my ankle and pulmonary embolism), my mom's health crises, enduring the move of our dearest/life long friends which has left a void in our hearts and now a pandemic.  And let's not forget parenting!  We have parented two wonderful boys who have centered Mike and I, and played a big role in who we are as adults today.  
Our road map consists of things we didn't do so well and things we did.  The things we didn't do so well revolve around money.  We finally figured things out four years ago when Mike lost his job and we've been good ever since.  Every marriage has a thorn.  Ours is cleanliness. Bottom line Mike is meticulous, I am not. Things got ugly between us over it.  I know it sounds funny, after all we weren't dealing with an addiction issue, unless you count how many times Mike likes to vacuum per day, but it really was a problem.  It is still?  Sometimes but for the most part we've overcome it.  I also hated how much Mike worked in the early years of parenting.  That work ethic has served him well over the last four years of running his business and because he's working for himself I'm no longer bothered by his work schedule and it helps that the boys are older.  It seems that every tough season we've gone through we climb out of it a little better and a little stronger, which is always a good sign.   Some of things we've done well is parent together.  We have supported one another in every decision.  Our boys would never say they could play one of us off the other, once a decision was made.  They would however say I was the softie.  Ha.  We have made each other laugh at times we really needed it.  Mike is actually better at this than me.  He can usually crack me up daily.  As we've aged I'm a wee bit grouchier, definitely softer around the middle and I do enjoy my cocktails, Mike, not so much.  But I'm still the "what you see is what you get" girl he married.  That has not changed.  As Mike ages I like him more.  He's more relaxed. I've always said he's easy to love but sometimes hard to like.  I find that is not the case as he gets older.
Happy 22nd Anniversary, Sieb!

The end of an era

One thing this "shelter in place" has done is forced my family (and everyone else) to stay home.  None of us have any plans which quite frankly has been kind of nice - once I finally accepted it.  It is freeing to know that when someone asks me to do something, I know I can do it because I have nothing planned.  Mike, the boys and I started the playground project this weekend.  The boys are home to help us which has been really nice.  Jay has a great eye for landscaping and came up with several ideas for us.

This is the idea Jay came up with.  We tore up this part of the yard because the dogs peed in this area constantly.  We could not keep grass growing.  We put down mulch and Jay came up with the barrel idea for planters.

We took the grass plants from the playground and replanted them along the house.

Here are my boys pulling up the plants to replant them elsewhere.  It's kind of sad to see this go but it's been an eye sore for years (after we got rid of the actual playground).

Here's another one of Jay's ideas.  We have a beautiful tree that we had in the playground.  It turns bright red in the fall.  Jay suggested we move it to this spot.  I love it here.  We can admire it from the patio!

Nick and his dog.  These two are tight any day but during this quarantine they have been inseparable.  I don't know what Nick would do with his Cole.
Everyday I look for the blessings and even in this very uncertain time there are many of them.  I love witnessing the four of us together each and every night.  Now that the weather is nice we've been able to work outside together and it's very satisfying.  I am thankful Mike and I are still working and we are healthy.
There is still so much uncertainty.  Other states are staring to open back up, slowly.  I don't have a lot of confidence that our governor will open things up in Illinois.  The mayor of Chicago said recently we may be in lockdown until June!  It's comments like that I try to push aside because quite honestly I panic.  Often times I wonder if we are headed into a depression we've never seen before and the problems that come with that will be felt for years.  I worry about the health factor in opening the country back up but I also believe there has to be an element of common sense and personal responsibility.
I have felt lately that my prayers are selfish, almost desperate.  God knows what I'm going to say and what I'm thinking before I say and think it but it's something I'm struggling with these days.

Baptism, Yard work and Acceptance

Lauren and Luke made their decision to be baptized and follow Jesus this weekend.  It was such a bright spot in what has been a dark time.  As a family we gathered together at their church on Saturday, stood 6 feet apart, and clapped as we saw them be baptized.

On Sunday we were all four home all day and worked on projects in the yard.  Projects in the yard continues to be on our summer projects.  We tore up a part of the yard because the dogs have destroyed it (from peeing there constantly).  We laid down mulch.  I decided I'm not going to plant plants there because again the dogs will pee on them and kill them.  Instead I'm going to plant planters and line the area with big stone.  Stay tuned.

Both of my boys were huge helps yesterday.  We tackled the yard together and I got patio furniture.  Jay took me to pick it up. It was an all around satisfying day and weekend.  The weather was wonderful and it was nice to spend time together outside as a family.

I think I finally turned a corner yesterday as far as my attitude goes.  Honestly since this quarantine began about 6 weeks ago I've been selfish, angry and unmotivated. Selfish in that I've come to the realization I'm spoiled and like my plans and it's not a compliment.  I haven't liked myself much these days.  Angry in that my plans have been demolished and unmotivated in not caring - I've gained 3.5 lbs and think nothing of eating cake.
Yesterday it was like something switched in me.  It is ever so clear things are not getting back to normal any time soon.  It is also clear this summer will be like no other summer before.  Things will be slower and yes probably duller.  Who knows if Jay will have a graduation ceremony and his party may have to wait until August.  I hate that this has happened to everyone, but it has.  I have cried and been disappointed way too long.  It is true I miss my friends, I miss my life before March 13 and I grieve for how Jay's senior year ended, but it's time I put my big girl pants back on.  I am committed to having a better attitude, getting this extra weight off and spending more time in the word.  I accept that any plans I had this summer may or may not happen and that's okay!

The end of week 5 - School is officially cancelled

On March 13 I had no idea my kids would not be back to school.  When they left school that day I thought No problem, lucky them, they will get an extra week of Spring break.  As the days turned into weeks I knew there wasn't a kid in America who would be allowed to step back into their schools. There's been a lot of discouraging news, news that I know deep down is coming but when it's actually delivered it is still like a slap in the face to me.  Today our governor announced school would indeed be cancelled the rest of the school year.  Again, no surprise but it still stings.  It has not been the best week.  I have not had a thankful heart.  The weather has been terrible.  We got snow twice.  Today it's wet and freezing.  I joke that when this is over I'll be an overweight senior citizen with a swearing and drinking problem.  Honestly, it's not too far fetched.  We seem to have reached our peak in the pandemic and Trump is rolling out plans to reopen the economy in phases. Every day I'm reminded I'm not in charge of anything.  I try to lean into Jesus more, knowing full well I can barely get through a normal day without Him, let alone a pandemic under lock down with no end in sight.  I continue to be thankful for our health, our jobs and my boys really do seem to be thriving.  Neither of them care they aren't in school.  And even though there hasn't been very many nice days, when the weather is nice Nick is outside.  Jay is working part time and it's been a huge blessing.  I'll keep on keeping on, knowing that in time we will get beyond this.  My heart aches for the families who are mourning their loved ones from this terrible virus.  May God be with us all.

Happy Easter

Here we are Easter 2020 in the middle of the COVID 19 pandemic.  Although the news seems to be a smidge and I mean a smidge more encouraging we are all still in our homes today worshipping.  To be totally honest I feel pretty down in the dumps today and I shouldn't, after all it's Easter. Jesus was and is victorious. I'm just kinda sad.  I miss having my entire family together and I missed being in church today.  My mom came out which was nice but we opted that Kim and her family stay separate from us with everything that is going on.  

Cake always seems to make everything better - at least it does in my world.

Cole never made it through the sermon.  He fell asleep sitting up on Nick's lap and was snoring halfway through the sermon.

Mom was curled up on the couch with Copper and Walker. 

And here we are distancing ourselves from mom.  I haven't hugged my mom in over a month and neither have the boys.  Thankfully we are able to see her though.  If we weren't I'm convinced mom would be a funny farm.  I'm praying for light in the weeks to come.

My Senior

I'm proud to be an Olympia Spartan!  Our school delivered these signs to every senior in the district!  Jay has handled this entire situation with maturity.  He is working about 15-20 hours a week.  He spends his free time cleaning his truck that he got from his nana and us for his high school graduation.  As I'm writing this right now he's outside on this beautiful day washing his truck and listening to Trace Adkins song, "You're gonna miss this."  I just have to shake my head because I'm sure gonna miss him one day!  Never before has the verse Jeremiah 29:11 meant more to me.  I have no doubt God has big plans for this boys future!

So I don't forget

As we enter into this week, our fourth week of social distancing, our Surgeon General, Jerome Adams, has warned us that this week will be like September 11 and Pearl Harbor and to brace for the worst.  Here's what is going on:
*Gas prices about 1 mile from my home are $1.69
*Self distancing measures are on the rise (Sams and Walmart only letting about 100 people in their store at one time)
*There is tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers (6 ft) from each other
*Non essential stores and businesses mandated closed (my roots will be terrible by the time this is over)
*Parks, trails and entire cities are locked up
*Entire sports seasons are cancelled
*Concerts, tours, festivals and entertainment events are cancelled
*Weddings, family celebrations and holidays (including Easter) - cancelled
*No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more and now 5 or more
*Don't socialize with anyone outside of your home circle
*Childrens outdoor play parks are closed
*Panic buying; we have no toliet paper, paper towels or hand santizer
*Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.
*Government closes the border to all non essential travel
*Fines are established for breaking the rules (our own town of Normal gave police to authority to break up groups of 10 or more)
*Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the flow of Covid 10 patients.
*Press conferences daily from our President
*People wearing masks and gloves outside.

My Ugly Meltdown

As the days turn into weeks this whole social distancing thing is really starting to get to everyone.  It's understandable.  I get it.  I think often of the health care workers who must be exhausted.  I think of our elected officials who are making decisions that affect the entire American population.  I can't imagine our President or Vice President are sleeping much.  I think about all the single people who haven't had physical contact with someone.  I live with three people and I hugged Nick this morning (that's probably against the guidelines but he had a blanket over his head so I figured it was safe).  I long to hug my mom, my sister and my friends.
I've tried to keep everything in perspective but last night I reached my breaking point.  Nick had signed up to go on the 8th grade class trip to D.C. over Memorial Day weekend.  I'm not stupid.  I knew it would be cancelled, but when I got the official email last night that the trip was indeed cancelled the ugly tears came out.  Along with that email I had another email that all track meets, including the state meet are all cancelled.  Again, no surprise but reading it in actual print and getting the confirmation was the straw that broke the camels back.  In that moment my heart broke in pieces over all the things my boys are missing out on this spring, and the weight of all of it hit me like a ton of bricks.  My mom's loneliness during this season, adjusting to my new job and missing the connection with my friends.  I know it sounds selfish, after all my blessings are plentiful these days but what really gets to me is the overwhelming sadness I feel for my kids.  The truth is I had lots of plans for my family this spring and none of them will come to fruition, at least not during this season.  I have no choice but to turn my plans over to God.  It's another example of how I know nothing and it's just better if I relinquish control.  God will decide when this pandemic is over and in my own life He will decide how we celebrate Nick's birthday and mine.  He will determine if Jay will have a graduation ceremony and when his grad party will be.  He can decide if Nick will be able to go to D.C. another time, and perhaps it will be even better than he imagined.  Maybe God's plans are Nick will participate in next years state track meet.  He will make our plans on Easter this year.   I believe all God has asked me (and perhaps all of us) to do is to live for today.
"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

The end of week 3 - COVID 19

This blog has the good, the bad, the ugly and some humor.  The good is we all remain healthy.  We (me, Mike and Jay) are working.  Nick really enjoys E-learning.  Everyday he goes to the bus that is parked in our subdivision because the WIFI on the bus is better than at home.  His teachers do a 15 minutes virtual lesson from 10am to 12:00.  He really enjoys it.  The good is also in the picture below.  Kim is part of my no new faces, places or spaces and I am part of hers so I went to her house last night and we zoomed with Aunt Karen, Kelly and Michelle.  Technology amazes me.  The weather has also improved dramatically.

The bad is we still haven't reached our peak yet.  There is progress on treatment, however.  Knowing that we still have at least another month ahead of us is daunting.  People like my mom who have underlying health issues are advised to not leave their homes at all.  My mom is bored and as the weeks go on, it will only get worse for all of us.  The ugly is as of one month ago we have the lowest unemployment rate ever.  The unemployment rate is now staggering as more and more workers can't go to work.  My prayers center around mercy for my country and healing.  I pray things look much brighter after Easter

I'm a huge Golden Girls fan and I just thought this was funny.  We are all trying to wash our hands more, not touch our face and Jay and Mike are both working with the public so it's a constant struggle.