First day of school

 Last week, Aug. 16, was the first day of school for my boys.  Jay is a Junior (although I don't like to write that, let alone say it, it just makes it more true) and Nick is in 7th grade.  How is any of this possible?  But possible it is.  Reality has hit, my boys are growing.  Nick had a complete transformation this summer in his looks.  Everyone noticed it.  He spent so much time on the lake fishing he is super tan and his hair is pure blond, which makes his blue eyes sparkle like the ocean (spoken as only a mother can).  Jay continues to grow like the Jolly Green Giant.  He is taking a course at the Bloomington Area Career Center this semester.  Each afternoon, right after lunch, he will take a bus from his school into Bloomington where he's taking a hands on automotive class.  I truly believe he will enjoy it, learn from it and I think it will make his school day go super fast!  I am beyond proud of  both my boys!

 This year was the first year I didn't drive my boys to school on their first day.  I did say the same prayer over them that I've said since they were both in kindergarten, in the driveway.  There was some eye rolling going on but it made this mom feel better.

Our customary picture of Nick, Noah and Lilly.  Noah is going into 5th grade and Lilly into 3rd grade.  Next year Nick and Noah will reunited at the middle school!  Wow, does time fly by.

Miraculous

 As I sat down to write I wasn't exactly sure what to write, except that in one weeks time my mom's recovery is nothing short of miraculous!  When I blogged last Tuesday, although mom was improving, I still wasn't sure how her living independently or her recovery in general was going to play out.  On Wednesday, Aug. 16, she took a 180 degree turn in her recovery.  It seemed like it literally happened over night.  Her walking/balance improved 100%.  Her speech, although it was improving everyday, got 100% better.  She started taking her blood sugar unassisted.  She started showering without any assistance.  I couldn't believe it, except I could because of the God I serve.  Here's the part that I'm having trouble with though, I doubted.  It wasn't that I doubted He could heal my mom.  I just didn't know if that was part of His plan and if we were facing the same outcome that my dad endured.  My Aunt Karen told me when this first happened, during one of my moments of doubt and desperation, that she didn't think the Lord would have lead us this far if there wasn't good at the end of it.  Full disclosure, on the night of my mom's stroke, when things really took a nose dive, as I drove home in the dark of night from the hospital I screamed at God.  I am ashamed and I've asked for His forgiveness, which I know I've received.  I know He's already forgotten it, but I haven't.  I know with every fiber of my being that God can take terrible situations and turn them into something good.  Even my dad's 22 year disability and death has been turned into something beautiful in the way the three of us have felt his presence and how he provided for my sister so she could take a leave of absence to help care for mom this year and get some much needed rest that she desperately needs.

 My mom and sister had a trip planned to NY in October.  Up until last week Kim has felt she needed to cancel the trip and I agreed with her.  We both felt that she and mom should take the trip in April.  She delayed cancelling the trip, however, because she knew they were going to lose money on it and it was going to be a huge pain to cancel.  Well just this week Kim and mom have decided to take the trip with the blessing of mom's physical therapist, Bava.  Bava said mom will be ready to go by October and she will need her cane and wheelchair in the airport and maybe other places but there is no reason why mom can't go.  I am beyond thrilled.  God is good.....all the time!  The picture above is mom and her physical therapist in rehab at the hospital, Karrie.  We loved Karrie!

 I don't know what the three of us would have done without Leslie.  She was our rock.  She gave me advice when my mom couldn't.  I just love her.

                                   My mom's speech therapist at Rehab, Amber.

                                             Mom and Bava!  Bava kicks moms butt in rehab.

 Working hard in OT.  My mom's right arm has some movement.  Her arm is a source of great frustration for her, but we truly believe that in time her arm will come back.

 Mom is settling back into her normal routines, spending time with the grands.  We were given a surgical brush and at night when we watch TV with mom, we rub her arm with the brush to help stimulate the brain.

 My Aunt Karen came to visit a few weeks ago.  We've been blown away by the people who have visited and brought food.  We are humbled and thankful.

Mom, what a blessing you are!  We went from thinking you would have such damage from your stroke that you would never be the same, that my relationship with you would forever be changed, but God, who is so much bigger than us, had other plans.  You are a fighter and I'm incredibly proud to be your daughter.

Life today

Kim, mom and I have a new normal.  It looks quite different than it did on July 8.  Life today is harder, no doubt, but just when I think that surely God has taught me just about everything there is I need to know my eyes are opened to yet more learning.  Our new normal consists of:

*24 hour shifts between Kim and I, caring for our mother

*bumps in the road since coming home which mainly revolve around our mom's struggle to become more independent and her resistance to care-giving.
*being reminded once again how dedicated mom is and what a fighter she is.  

*the balance of work, family and care-giving

*wondering and praying if the relationship I once shared with my mom will return.  If it doesn't, what does the post stroke relationship with my mom look like?

*trusting that God will see us through this journey.  It's the only thing Kim and I are clinging to.  

*Praising God in a storm we never saw coming and has shook us to our core

*Seeing God work through my sister and using all her strengths.  

*Missing my dad and feeling his presence through this entire ordeal.  I am confident he is interceding on my mom's behalf.  

*Dismissing any and all time lines.  

*Learning a whole new level of patience 

One step at a time

 Slowly but surely my mom is taking baby steps forward each day.  Just this week her speech improved leaps and bounds - Praise God.  She is scheduled to come home in 3 days.  My sister and I are honored to care for her until she can live independently.  Another exciting accomplishment this week is the movement she is getting back in her elbow and right shoulder.

 It was a beautiful week, weather wise.  It wasn't stupid hot and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.  One day mom and I went outside after her therapies were over for her favorite dessert, ice cream.

 Nick went to church camp this week.  This year he got two of his friends to go with him.  The week did not disappoint!

 Mike and Jay went to TX to visit Ausili's.  They had a really good time and Sieb did several things for them around the house.  It was nice for Ausili's and Sieb to know that his hand has now touched their new home.

 The kids spent a lot of time in the pool in TX.  I have to admit last night was the first Saturday night Ausili's were gone and it was also a night that I'm sure had they been in town we would have spent it around the fire.  I missed them and it made me sad, but I dusted myself off, gave myself a firm talking to and decided I had better get use to this "new normal."

I just love this picture.  It's Nick and his friend, B. on their last day of camp together.  I'm so glad Nick and his friends got to go to camp together to learn more about God, and have fellowship together.

Tears

I have spent my day in tears.  Never have so many tears stained my cheeks.  I have cried from sun rise to sun set.  I have spent most of my day crying and missing my dad like crazy.  That is how emotions catch up with you.  I have cried some happy tears today because I know my dad is looking down on his three girls and I'm certain he's proud of us, and maybe he's interceding on my mom's behalf.  Not a day has gone by since July 9 that me, Kim and my mom have not thought of him.  He's as much a part of this as we are.  During this two week journey my mom has mentioned my dad several times.  I believe she understands him more and certainly has a real connection to how he lived his life the last 22 years.  As I sat on the edge of my bed tonight I gave thanks to God for the progress my mom is making and for the deep love and affection between my mom, Kim and I.  I would give anything to run into my dad's arms and have him tell me everything is going to be alright.  It never matters how old you are, the love and encouragement from a parent is something you always seek.  I know my mom has missed her parents terribly during this time, that she too would give anything to have her parents hug her and love her and assure her that everything was going to be okay.  In the matter of four months my dad has died, my mom has had a stroke and my dearest friends have moved.  I praise God for his steadfast love because I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean but I know I have an life vest to grab ahold of in the promises from scripture, knowing that nothing can separate me from God's love and that He will work everything out for our good and in His time.

A new season

 Last night Jenny and I shared our last cocktail (for awhile anyway) around our half way made up deck.  This morning she and Faith are leaving for Alabama for orientation and then on to Texas, their new home.  Oh how that pains me to write that. I know God was preparing me for this for at least a year, but this hit me hard last night.  The Ausili's and my mom are weekenders at my house.  They are a fixture at my breakfast bar chairs with a cocktail in hand, laughing with me over something that happened during the week.  As I prayed last night, with tears streaming down my face, I heard God say, "Amy, I have not taken the Ausili's or your mother from you, they are still here."  And just like that my tears stopped.  I rejoice knowing that my mom will recover and she will be sitting back on my breakfast bar chairs, perhaps not with a cocktail (ha), but with laughter.  I rejoice knowing we get to visit TX and I rejoice knowing that the friendships between the eight of us can't be broken just because of distance.  My dear friend, Mary, said to me this week, "Amy, God must have thought it was time to move on, that in order for Him to complete the plans He has for all of you, this had to be done."  I trust God.  That is my mantra these day.  I know there are good things in store for us, all of us, including my mom.

 This was my mom a few days ago.  She is really doing well.  Everyday she progresses.  My sister and I see her everyday so we see the smaller baby steps she takes.  Her brother, Mike, saw her yesterday and he hadn't seen her in a week.  He was blown away by how much progress she had made in one week.  I am anxious to get her home, but I can guarantee not as anxious as she is about coming home.  The first thing I think about each and every morning is my mom.  Right now she's unable to just jump out of bed in the morning without assistance.  I am confident that soon she will be getting out of bed herself and making her coffee in her own kitchen.

 Along with Faith and Curtis, Daisy has been a fixture at our home for the last four years.  I love her, and I've so enjoyed getting to know her.  She loves my boys (see above).  Our last get together did look different, however, because Nick was at a party until 9 and Sieb, Jay, Curt and Ausili are in TX, so it was just us girls last night.  It was just the way I like it!  Jenny and I made our white trash meal of hamburger helper, corn and cheesy potatoes.

Our last big laugh together, at least for awhile!  How I love these women and what they have brought to my life.  I told Jenny last night that it was a sweet blessing that she was here the last two weeks.  Jenny loves my mom and not only would it have been hard on me to not have her here, but it would have pained Jenny greatly to not be here.  Jenny left today knowing that my mom is going to be okay, and there is a main floor bedroom waiting for her when we all come visit!
This next season of my life is filled with countless uncertainties.  What does our life look like without the Ausili's being planted here nearly every weekend?  What will the next two years and six years look like with my boys?  How far will my mom's recovery take her, and what will care giving look like for me?  What will our house look like when it's finally done, and how will it bless us and others?  And where will Mike take his business, will he even stay in the business?    I plan to live out this next season with patience and grace.  I plan to slow down.  I pray God opens my eyes and ears to all He has in store for me so that I don't miss it.

Do not worry

In Matthew 6:25, Jesus commands us "do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear, is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?'  If that isn't enough He goes on in verse 27 to say, "can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"  There's a reason Jesus commands us not to worry.  The picture above of my sister and I demonstrate it perfectly.  This picture was taken exactly one year ago today.  We had a sisters weekend in Alabama, celebrating our cousin, Kelly's, wedding.  Kim, my mom and I live the phrase, "Enjoy every second."  We do life well and I've learned the things I worry about never come to fruition.  It's the things I don't see coming that hit me the hardest, but God is never surprised.  In every season of my own suffering I can see all He has done to prepare me for it weeks and months before they happen.  The same is true of when I'm going through the suffering.  Once the dust settles I can look back at my situation and "know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28).  Last year my sister and I dolled ourselves up, laughed, drank and ate together.  We had no clue that within the next year our sweet dad would pass away, that my dearest friends (the Ausili's) would be moving and that our dear mother would suffer a debilitating stroke, and strokes are something Kim and I are sadly all too familiar with.  In the past 2 1/2 years I've endured a devastating job loss, the start up of a new business, my dads death, the move of our sweet friends and the stroke of my mother.  I am better and stronger because of those trials.  That doesn't mean they make sense to me because they don't.  Mike's job loss did but that was my only trial that made sense to me.  During this difficult season I remind myself daily that I am not God, period.  Recently I was texting with a friend of my mom's who has known her since they were young but she has lived in another state for a long time.  She said that one day we will stand before the Lord and we can ask Him why certain things occurred during our earthly life, but then as we texted some more we came to the conclusion that when we do receive our heavenly inheritance none of this earthly garbage is going matter.  I simply want to be able to stand before the Lord and have him say, "Well done, child, well done."