The Hoco Proposal

 Sometimes I just have to shake my head at how fast time is going.  High School has really made me do a double take.  Suddenly, Jay is grown up.  I wouldn't say he's "all grown up," because clearly he is not but physically he's looking more like a man.  He complains daily of the hair on his legs.  He swears he has more hair on his legs than any of his classmates.  And he's old enough for Homecoming.  Enough said about that - I think that proves my point at how grown up he's getting.  Jay came up with a cute idea to ask his potential date.  She plays volleyball and after searching pinterest (who knew a 14 year old boy would utilize pinterest) he discovered a cute way of asking her. 

                                                                 And she said Yes! 

Student council & football

 Yesterday was a big day for Nick.  He got to ride on a float for our community parade.  Doesn't he look so professional?  Ha. 

 Jay is getting so old now.  We barely saw him this weekend.  Welcome to high school.  Yesterday he and his buddies rode around our small town on their bikes. 

 The float and student council.  Nick is at the far left with his arm around his good friend, J. 

 On Friday the high school had an assembly to kick off the fall sports season.  Jay is playing football (he's not overly thrilled about it but it keeping him busy).  He's #30. 

And this picture is classic.  These boys are in 4th grade and now they are in high school.  Look at my boy right in front - Geesh!

Learning Curve

Let it not be said that I don't learn something from a major life event.  Several months ago I blogged about what I learned during Mike's job loss and here I am again.  Some things I have to just look up to God and say, "Really God, I had to learn that again!!!!"  But here I am and some of the things I learned are new to me and other things, not so much but they were good reminders.

Compassion.  I try to always think of others but compassion was one thing I learned loud and clear.  My heart will forever be sensitive and compassionate when it comes to injuries and health issues.  I plan on taking the upmost care of my family if and when they encounter any health issues.

Never take your mobility for granted - enough said.

Advocate.  20 years ago my dad sustained a life changing injury.  At the young age of 46 he suffered a brain tumor which required major surgery and after the surgery he had a stroke which left his right arm  unusable and his right leg weakened and none of us knew it at the time, but when we talked with dad before his surgery, those were the last words we would ever hear him speak - at least real words that made sense.  I was a 22 year old college student at the time.  I wished I would have advocated more for my dad.  I wish there would have been a better outcome for him.  I spent a lot of time thinking about my dad during my recovery and as I move forward I plan to visit him more and be more compassionate.  I learned that when you're faced with a health issue and my situation was just an issue, not a crises, one must have someone in their corner advocating for them.  Patients get too bogged down in their worry and need someone who is in their corner, advocating for them.

I learned I do entirely too much for my boys.  Yes, it's true.  As they weeks wore on, I saw my boys become more self sufficient and I liked it.  Good habits were formed the last 6 weeks in terms of the boys being more self sufficient and that my friends, is a good thing. 

And finally, this isn't so much what I learned but more of advice.  People were so great in telling me that if I needed anything to just ask.  The problem is, I was too overwhelmed to think about what I needed and as the weeks wore on, depression set in.  My dear friends, Sarah and Jenny, took charge one day.  They knew I was in despair.  They gave me notice they were coming to take me to a movie so I had at least showered but when they showed up, they had groceries in tow.  They stocked my fridge.  That was such a wonderful and appreciated gift.  Sometimes when people are living through a crises (and again my situation was not a crises) or are in despair, they don't know what they want or need so just show up with dinner already made, call before you go to the grocery store to see what they need.  Call and invite their kids over for an afternoon or simply bring over ice cream one night (as my dear friend, Jami did).  Speaking from my own experience I didn't really want to come out and ask people what I needed or wanted so those times when things were just done for me were so appreciated. 

Thankful

I realize some of my past blogs were not very uplifting.  Overall I have a thankful disposition but being thankful the past 6 weeks was really challenging for me.  However, now that some light is shining through the gray skies there are many things I am thankful for these last several weeks.  First I'm so thankful for my family, specifically my mom and Mike.  My mom took care of me as only a mother can.  Nothing I asked of her was too much and more importantly she listened to me at my worst day in and day out.  Mike's presence around the house was a gift.  As the days turned into weeks, we all wished he had more work and we felt the tension of dealing with my injury and trying to get a business of the ground but his daily presence was a gift, which is the exact same gift I was able to give him this winter.  Funny how things come around full circle.  I am so thankful for coffee.  I know, crazy!  But when I was using the crutches I couldn't make myself coffee.  Once I got the knee scooter I could make coffee but I had to drink it in the living room, with Mike, while watching a car show.  Now I can make my coffee and enjoy it in my office, while I'm checking emails and getting ready to start my day.  I am so thankful to take a bath (I so missed taking a bath while I was non weight bearing) and I'm thankful to finally be able to drive.......by myself!  Coffee, baths and driving are all things I took for granted but they are all part of things that give me pleasure during my days and they were all things that were briefly taken away from me.  I'm also thankful that I'm back in control of my kids' daily activities.  Trust me when I tell you I am not a control freak but I hate relying on other people to shuttle my kids around because they are my responsibility.  I hated not being able to be really engaged with them during my injury.  I let pain from my injury and health concerns unintentionally consume me and I felt so out of touch with the boys during the last 6 weeks.  I was thankful my injury occurred at a time where things were quiet with our family because had this injury occurred now, it would really be stressful.  I would be relying on others to get the boys to school, get them picked up from the bus stop, get them to and from practices and the list goes on and on.  I know people would help me but I so hate asking.  I am thankful I'm on the road to recovery, even though it's slower than I would like.  My biggest obstacle now is my blood clot.  My leg is a disaster but I'll get there with a thankful heart. 

First day of high school and 5th grade

 And so another school year begins......Hallejah!  Physically I can't do a happy dance but picture me doing one today.  I've spent my day working and in between working I've elevated my leg.  I know that sounds so boring but the key is I've done all that in peace.  No fighting, no hearing the door slam 15 million times (no joke) from the boys going in and out of the house and no sulking (as each boys claimed "there was nothing to do" about 6 weeks ago).  But enough about me.  The boys seemed moderately pleased to start school.  People asked me if Jay was excited about starting high school.  Jay doesn't really get excited about anything (except four wheeling and eating meat) but he was ready and I have no doubt he'll be successful this year.  Nick was a wee bit nervous but he always seems to start off that way when school begins.  Nick compares everything to 3rd grade and there just isn't any comparison and that's hard for him to accept. 

 Jay looks a bit like the Jolly Green Giant in this picture.  He grew so much these past 6 months. 

                          And here's my spunky 5th grader, ready to take on student council. 

 Even though the Walsh's moved, they still live really close so we zipped over this morning to get our first day of school picture, like we have for the past 3 years.  Noah is going into 3rd and L. into first.

My friend, Erin, snapped this picture of the big boys (I refer to Jay's friends as the big boys, he "loves" that I do that).  What studs they are.  These 3 boys have been the best of friends since 2nd grade.  It warms my heart to see them together on their first day of high school. 

Perspective....from Nick

I have a confession.  Nick is driving me batty these days.  To be fair, as a family we've been "out of sorts," and the summer has just been exceptionally long, without structure or routine.  That takes a toll on my 42 year old self, imagine how it takes a toll on an ADHD 10 year old!  But every so often Nick gives me a glimpse of the real Nick.  It's a bit like Jeckyll and Hyde.  Last night we were driving in the car and listening to my favorite song, "Thy Will."  My mom had listened to this song with Nick recently and Nick remembered when his nana told him that this was my favorite new song and he mentioned it to me.  I told Nick the song meant a lot to me given the current season of my life.  I followed up by telling Nick the last 9 months had just been hard on Mike and I.  In that moment, Nick looked at me directly and with a heart full of love he said, "Mom, don't you get it, Dad had to lose his job in order to go down a better path and you had to suffer your ankle fracture in order for your life to be saved."  I just looked at him dumbfounded.  He went on to say that God works everything out and to have faith.  I admit, I teared up just a bit.  I thanked my boy and told him his words were just what I needed to hear.  It amazes me sometimes how God uses the smallest being (my boy who is amped up from football, a non structured summer, ADHD and who can complain like nobody's business) to bring perspective and build us up. 

Letting things slide

Since my injury I've let a lot of things slide.  I didn't clean the house.  Mike vacuumed and dusted and the boys cleaned the bathrooms.  However, I use the term cleaning loosely when I refer to the boys.  Jay's idea of cleaning is putting windex on a papertowl and wiping down the tub, the toilet, and the sink, all in a matter of 5 minutes.  Nick's idea of cleaning is usually followed by an argument or him knowing a better way to get it done and considering I wasn't at my best, I usually gave up with Nick and told him to forget it.  The boys did unload the dishwasher everyday and helped with small chores here and there.  Jay mowed for Mike the entire summer and that was a huge help.  But another thing I let slide is their behavior.  Nick's argumentative nature is out in rare form.  This is a part of Nick's personality that has to be monitored and yes, tamed.  This summer I simply didn't have the energy and now that I'm starting to recover it hit me like a freight train that I have a lot of work ahead of me with Nick.  Additionally the fighting and bickering between the boys is ridiculous.  By August I always feel that way but this summer we were all together in the same house for weeks (and weeks).  The boys swarmed me like bees and when they weren't swarming me, they were bickering with each other.  And so tonight I have pledged to myself I'll get ready for my next battle - taming Nick's attitude and getting the fighting under control. May the force be with me. 

Hope

Just this week I was able to ditch my boot and I've transitioned into an ankle brace and although that is great news, with the transition comes a lot of pain.  The reality is my road to recovery is going to be a long one.  Yesterday my physical therapist "taped" me because of my swelling.  My left leg looks like a spider web and I've had to resort to wearing Jay's size 10 shoes due to my swelling but I'm overjoyed to be walking again, even if every step hurts and knowing my 86 year old grandma could beat me in a "race."  Ha.  If you follow my blog it was evident that the last few weeks have been really difficult for me.  In general I'm a positive, upbeat person but this injury got to me.  This season of my life has been the only season where I was in absolute despair and it scared me.  I have "judged" depressed people before, wondering why they just can't get up and dust themselves off and go on with life.  This injury has given me a new understanding.  This past Saturday night I was at my lowest and Mike made a fire in the back yard.  He encouraged me to get outside and enjoy the outside and the fire.  I didn't want to go but a voice inside me told me that as soon as I stopped caring about my loved ones and what was important to them then I was really on a down hill slope.  Needless to say the Amy I know and love hobbled outside and sat by the fire with her husband - a glimmer of hope that I was still me.  On Monday (Aug. 8) I was given the green light to start full weight bearing and start physical therapy.  My attitude shifted then and I'm slowly coming back to life.  These past 9 months have been hard on Mike and I.  The reality is after licking our wounds from the job loss we dove into a small business which we are navigating the ins and outs of everyday.  Our faith was strong during this time and we knew God was at work, then my injury occurred, along with the blood clot and pulmonary embolism.  Sometimes it's not so clear what God is doing but I've held a few things close to my heart during this time.  Hillary Scott has a new song out, "Thy Will."  This song spoke to me the last five weeks. I'm me and God is God.  There you have it, it's that simple.  And I cannot forget my life was saved.  From my blood clot I learned I have a clotting disorder (a better way to put it than how it was presented to me; a chromosomal mutation).  As a result I will be on blood thinners for life and I will have to get my boys tested (which may save their lives as well).  What a blessing.  I'm alive and I will recover.  As my friend, Mary, texted me, I can and I will recover.  I have hope!

Guilt

I write this blog flat on my back with my leg propped up above my heart which is pretty much how I've been for an entire week.  However, I've been laid up for almost 6 weeks.  To say it's taking a toll on me is an understatement.  One of the gifts God gave me this winter was to remove my guilt.  I carried a lot of guilt; guilt over doing enough and being enough (as a wife and mother).  Sadly this injury has brought back a lot of guilt.  Tonight as I was wallowing I was reminded of a passage out of Jesus Calling that warned against sinking deeper into the depths of despair, that once you start to go down, it's hard to get yourself back up.  Those were words that I would have read even as little as six months ago and I would have shrugged them off.  Now I get it, the deeper I sink, the worse I feel and here's where the guilt has revealed itself, I feel so bad about it.  I feel so guilty that I am this depressed (yes, I'm officially labelling myself depressed).  I feel so guilty that I've spent so much time on facebook, seeing all the fun everyone else is having and feeling even more sorry for myself.  Everytime I have those thoughts I know they are wrong and I'm embarrassed.  I think Jesus must be so disappointed in me and yet I expect Him to fix this entire situation.  I remember feeling this way back in January and by the end of March I was so ashamed of my doubts - Jesus had the whole situation the entire time.  I know in my heart He has this situation too, truly, I do, but it's clouded by the weight of my feelings and doubts.  And now I feel like it's come full circle.  Was opening a business really the right thing to do?  Mike is struggling to find what it is he's running towards.  What is it that we are trying to do?  Tonight I was so distraught and Mike asked me to share what was on my mind.  I told him I was so mentally exhausted I couldn't formulate a sentence (but yet here I am blogging).  Through my tears I was too ashamed to tell him that I feel so guilty to feel this bad knowing God literally saved my life a week ago, knowing that I'm getting better and this is only temporary and knowing deep down God loves me despite the complete disaster that I am right now.  I know to be thankful in all things but again I'm failing miserably at being thankful these days.  This is so not who I am and I'm shocked by it and yes I feel very guilty about it too. 

Derailment

All this week I've wanted to write.  My mind is overflowing with thoughts, disappointments and struggles and even though I've just finished week five of doing nothing I couldn't seem to get enough energy to formulate a thought.  I can't promise this blog will be stellar but here it goes.  Almost two years ago I sat on my couch and I prayed to God.  I prayed He would intervene on Mike's behalf and He did.  Only I couldn't see how He would intervene on my behalf, after all that wasn't what I prayed for.  I was already in good standing with God and thought I had it all together.  Then on July 4 I sustained an injury.  It's an injury I'll recover from but an injury none the less - one that is taking far too long to recover from, if you ask me.  I keep remembering that when I prayed my specific prayer to God I promised I would trust Him with what he had planned for Mike and yes our family but I'm having a harder time trusting Him with my needs, even though He's proven time and time again He is faithful and His love is far beyond my comprehension.  I've learned that I can worry myself about things I think could happen and in my experience I waste too much time worrying about things that don't ever happen.  In nine months I've learned it's the things you don't see coming that hit you hard.  I like to call them derailments and man have I experienced some big derailments in nine months.  Mike's job loss was our first derailment.  Our second derailment hit us in May when we received an unexpected and huge tax bill (never saw that coming).  Our next derailment was my injury, followed by my blood clot and pulmonary embolism.  Our medical bills is another derailment.  Then this week I learned I'll be on blood thinning medication my entire life. My life derailment is that I have a chromosomial defect and as a result I'll be on blood thinners forever.  It was another derailment that knocked the wind out of our sails.  I'm telling you, friends, I've run out of energy.  I can't walk (yet), I'm uncomfortable from my pulmonary embolism, my husband is trying desperately to get his business up and going, all the while wondering if this is really what he should be doing and after this week he worried that perhaps he should find a job.  However, I saved the best for last in this story.  God saved my life from the pulmonary embolism and made it known of my defect so it can be treated and conquered.  I'm trying to come to grips with this truth.  I know His work is not done yet with my family.  I'm certain of it.  I have no idea how He plans to pull us out of the depths of our despair but I know He works all things for our good.  I am trying every so desperately to remain faithful to His plan (whatever that may be) and I reminded Mike this morning of how he felt when the Holy Spirit comforted him in his time of desperation.  I take comfort in phrases in songs such as, "In the eye of the strom, you remain in control." And Natalie Grant's song, "When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?"  During the last 5 weeks there have been times I've forgotten God is in control.  He is still at work in my family.  Just when I think I've lost all all my energy physically, mentally and spiritually He picks me up and gives me just the dose I need to carry on so as my mom would say, we'll keep keeping on. 

Challenges

I woke up this morning and told myself I just needed to get through the next 2 1/2 weeks.  On Aug. 17 the boys go back to school.  Every summer, about this time, I blog that I'm ready for the boys to go back to school but let me be clear, never in all my summers of being a parent have I ever been more ready for the boys to go back to school.  My family runs on rhythm and structure and the only structure we have is knowing I go to my basement office every day to work.  Mike has no rhythm in his job right now.  The boys don't know what to do with themselves and due to my injury I don't have the energy to think about what they should be doing - I'm just trying to get by.  Today Nick wanted me to take him to the beach so he could fish.  It takes a ton of energy, physically and mentally, for me to do anything.  After going to the bathroom and getting everything in order I was ready to take Nick.  As I went to grab my keys I remembered Mike took my keys to pick up my mail.  So all the work was for nothing.  Nick was disappointed, I was disappointed and we were back to square one.  On a positive note I am happy to be in the next stage of recovery even though my ankle and foot look like a swollen watermelon.  I try not to spend too much time thinking of the amount of work I'll have ahead of me in terms of trying to get my body back to "normal."  Everything is out of whack from the way I look to the way I smell (kid you not).  Nick was kind enough to tell me my face looked good though!  Ha.  Leave it to Nick.