Guilt

I write this blog flat on my back with my leg propped up above my heart which is pretty much how I've been for an entire week.  However, I've been laid up for almost 6 weeks.  To say it's taking a toll on me is an understatement.  One of the gifts God gave me this winter was to remove my guilt.  I carried a lot of guilt; guilt over doing enough and being enough (as a wife and mother).  Sadly this injury has brought back a lot of guilt.  Tonight as I was wallowing I was reminded of a passage out of Jesus Calling that warned against sinking deeper into the depths of despair, that once you start to go down, it's hard to get yourself back up.  Those were words that I would have read even as little as six months ago and I would have shrugged them off.  Now I get it, the deeper I sink, the worse I feel and here's where the guilt has revealed itself, I feel so bad about it.  I feel so guilty that I am this depressed (yes, I'm officially labelling myself depressed).  I feel so guilty that I've spent so much time on facebook, seeing all the fun everyone else is having and feeling even more sorry for myself.  Everytime I have those thoughts I know they are wrong and I'm embarrassed.  I think Jesus must be so disappointed in me and yet I expect Him to fix this entire situation.  I remember feeling this way back in January and by the end of March I was so ashamed of my doubts - Jesus had the whole situation the entire time.  I know in my heart He has this situation too, truly, I do, but it's clouded by the weight of my feelings and doubts.  And now I feel like it's come full circle.  Was opening a business really the right thing to do?  Mike is struggling to find what it is he's running towards.  What is it that we are trying to do?  Tonight I was so distraught and Mike asked me to share what was on my mind.  I told him I was so mentally exhausted I couldn't formulate a sentence (but yet here I am blogging).  Through my tears I was too ashamed to tell him that I feel so guilty to feel this bad knowing God literally saved my life a week ago, knowing that I'm getting better and this is only temporary and knowing deep down God loves me despite the complete disaster that I am right now.  I know to be thankful in all things but again I'm failing miserably at being thankful these days.  This is so not who I am and I'm shocked by it and yes I feel very guilty about it too.